Sense of Urgency

I've been feeling an extreme sense of urgency lately. I've been blessed to not have to deal with a whole lot of death in my life. It's always seemed like such a sad thing because one minute someone is here and living and the next minute they are just gone. I've always felt like I didn't really understand it completely. In the past week, I've lost a couple of people that were significant in my life and my childhood dog died as well. Wow, my gut seems like it can't get punched in any more.
So, this led to a lot of thinking on my part. Instead of feeling sad about people dying, I feel sad that I don't know FOR SURE that they are in Heaven. I wouldn't call it a feeling of guilt, but rather a feeling of "why am I not out there telling people about Jesus EVERY single opportunity I have?" Who cares if they get mad at me now or are offended? How mad will they be if they are in HELL wishing someone would have told them?

I think when you start to really see the reality of death and what you will have in Heaven, death is an exciting thing!! People tell me and Bryan that they don't really know how we are getting through such a situation without being sad all the time. Don't get me wrong, there are moments that I am driving in my car and I just burst into sobbing tears. I'm human......But, when I realized what is really happening here, it brings me great joy. Bryan recently said this and I just love it!!!
"if you get upset, just think about Eden never having to feel pain, never having to go through the stresses of physical life. She never has to watch wars, oil spills, kids being mean on a playground. She has eternal backstage passes to all the best concerts. Court side seats to the basketball games. Literally Skybox seats to every event we could ever imagine. As a bonus, we have someone to greet us at the gates. Just imagine getting to meet Eden and Jesus the same day! These are the things to focus on."
How could that not make you smile??? It is beyond our understanding but it is God's plan, and it is divine.

I'd like to share a verse that has helped me this week......
Philippians 4:10-19
¹⁰I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Paul wrote these words from a prison cell—a place of great physical discomfort. From a human perspective, we would all agree that God should have provided for Paul by relieving his suffering. But instead, the Lord taught him contentment in this difficult situation. Although his physical discomfort remained, a greater need for a changed attitude was met.

A change of heart toward ongoing suffering is a huge challenge. On our own, it's impossible, but the Lord promises to strengthen us through Christ. By living in dependence and submission to Him, we gain His power to overcome our negative, sinful attitudes and learn contentment in all kinds of situations.

Our problem is not that the Lord won't provide for us, but that we so often fail to understand what our deepest needs are. God sees from an unlimited perspective and works for our eternal good, providing for us according to His good purposes from the limitless supply of "His riches in glory."

So, my friends, this is what I've been working on. I have asked God for strength in a time of difficulty and he has given it to me beyond any degree I could have imagined.

God's Garden

The Master Gardener from above
planted a seed in the garden of love.
And from it grew a rosebud small it never
had time to open at all.

For God in His perfect and wise way
chose this rose for his heavenly bouquet.
And great was the joy of this tiny rose, to be chosen by the
Father to leave earth's garden below.
To live in a garden on high where roses bloom always
and never die.

So while I can't see your precious rose bloom.
You'll know the great gardener from the upper room,
is watching and tending his wee rose with care,
tenderly touching each petal so fair.

So you think of your darling with the angels above,
secure and content surrounded by love.
And remember God blessed and enriched your lives, too.
For in dying your darling brought heaven closer to you.



Thank you, Elaine, for giving me this beautiful poem.

Stop worrying!!!

Anxiety seems to be something that everyone deals with. As believers, however, we are commanded not to worry. Instead, we're to rely on a conditional promise from our heavenly Father: If we will seek His kingdom, all our needs will be provided. This is the opposite of the world's philosophy, which tells us to pull up our big girl panties and do what we can to meet our own needs.

Thank goodness we can rely on our God for these things:

• He keeps His word. Every promise is backed by His divine nature. According to Titus 1:2, God cannot lie. He never makes a promise that He won't keep.

• He is all-knowing. Our heavenly Father is mindful of all our needs—the ones we bring to Him in prayer as well as those of which we are unaware.

• He is all-powerful. The sovereign Ruler of the universe backs His promises with almighty power. "Nothing will be impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).

• He cares. God's provision for birds and flowers is proof of His even greater care for those who are made in His image. Not only is He able to meet our needs, but He also wants to provide for us.

I've struggled with this over the past week. I seem to go back and forth between being very sad to being very happy. I realize that as soon as I get sad, I am not focusing on God. It's easy to get off track because we are human, and because the devil is very good at being evil.

I went to the doctor today to have my blood drawn to test for Gestational Diabetes. I will find out those results later this week. It was also time for my 28 week sonogram. It was a very thorough sonogram. This is what I learned today:

• Eden is measuring the size of a 24 week baby; 1lb 12 oz.
• Eden has only grown 1% in 4 weeks due to the lack of space she has to grow
• Eden's heart is now very enlarged with fluid around it. (This means that she is going into congestive heart failure)
• My blood pressure has gone up quite a bit. Usually it is around 100-115/60-70. Today it was 140/90.

So, what does this mean??? My doctor feels that Eden will probably pass away before she has a chance to be born due to the CHF. We don't really know when this will happen. I guess it makes sense that if your kidneys don't filter out urine, the fluid has to get backed up somewhere. It is not a surprise that Eden has only grown a very small amount. When you don't have room to grow, you just don't. I am supposed to recheck my BP in the morning to see if it has improved. My doctor is concerned about this leading to preeclampsia. I have been feeling lots of kicks and punches from my little cheerleader so I will be monitoring that over the next few weeks. In fact, today during the ultrasound, she punched the wand while it was on my belly. Dr. Natour felt it move her hand. I guess she didn't like being poked!! If I stop feeling those kicks, I am to call my doctor.

We learn the most from the deepest pain. We learn to know God and not just about God. When our selves shatter, beauty grows.

The Christian life can be likened to a race with a predetermined course and a finish line in eternity. Each believer has a personalized route specially designed by the Lord. Our goal is to stay on track and run with endurance, but the path can be discerned and negotiated only by focusing on Jesus. Because He ran the race perfectly and finished His course, He can show us the way.

Memorial day weekend I started to feel pains that were coming and going about every hour or so. It felt like my stomach was tightening up and it was as hard as a rock. I wasn't really sure what was going on but it didn't feel very pleasant. I decided that it wasn't bad enough to call the doctor or go to the hospital. I felt a little dizzy and disoriented on Sunday. I assumed that it could be attributed to pregnancy "normals". Just to be safe, I called the doctor on Tuesday and she thought that I should come in to make sure that everything was ok. Dr. Natour checked to make sure I wasn't in early labor. It didn't appear to be that. She did a quick sonogram and discovered that Eden had flipped around from breech to head down. Praise the LORD!!!! What an answer to prayer. No wonder I was in so much pain. Dr. N said that most people don't feel as much at this point in pregnancy because they have the benefit of the cushion from the fluid. At my last appointment, it didn't appear that this was very likely for her to do on her own. Good girl!!! I'm so proud of her!! :) It's amazing how I've learned to really value the small things!!! But no doubt, I see this as a miracle. This reduces the chances that I might have to have a c-section. Woohooo!! The dizziness I was experiencing turned out to be dehydration. I've been instructed to drink a gallon of water a day. I feel like all I do now is drink water and visit the ladies room. :) But, I am feeling better!!!

We've chosen a name!!!

About a month ago, a name popped into my head. I didn't really know where it came from or why. Bryan and I had picked a name about 3 months ago but decided that we would like to pick something a little more meaningful than our first choice. We felt like this little girl needed a name that really represented who she is and what she is doing in our lives.

I was talking with a friend that has become very close to me recently and she mentioned something that I had never thought about until she mentioned it. Our little girl has been diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome. In the bible, God has been compared to a Potter and we are the Clay.

Isaiah 64:8 (New International Version)

⁸ Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.

We are the clay, you are the potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

Wow, How amazing!!! We must not only submit to the ways of the Lord, but also to His prescribed means. The Lord says He wants us to be as clay in His hands. Think how a potter will take the clay in his hands, work it, roll it, and shape it according to any design he wants. So, I am trusting that the ironic name of her syndrome indeed is related to HIS works. He, as the Potter, is molding us into exactly what he wants and using us as the clay to spread HIS word.

The name that popped into my head was Eden Grace. I decided to look up the meaning of each name immediately.

Eden means the following:

1. A delightful place; a paradise.
2. A state of innocence, bliss, or ultimate happiness

Grace means:

1. Blessing

2. Good will

3. Favor, Thanks

Another interesting thing from my past is the church that I was raised in from the time I can remember. I was saved and baptized at this small church in Longview. The preacher of the church lived next door to us and our families were very close for many years. The pastor had a passion for this church and the people of our community that I didn't understand at the time. The name of the church started out as Eden Drive Baptist Church. They kept that name for a few years and then decided after much thought to rename the church to Grace Church.

It's interesting to me that my Potter has brought me back to a place that is much like the beginning of my life. The beginning of the world as we know it was also in Genesis and the Garden of Eden. I am now doing what my family was committed to doing in a similar community. My Potter has put me and my baby Eden at a small church in a small community. I have been blessed with feeling as though I am in a time of pleasure. Our number one focus should be HIM. That will give us pleasure.

I had asked my mom what she thought of the name Eden Grace and how it related to what we are living now. She said, "So I guess I see all of this as more of a current thing....Baby Girl will always be in a state of innocence. Going from her safe momma cave straight to paradise, and if she's really lucky, into a delightful "Jackie hug." : ) Never experiencing this fallen place. It's her own story." (Jackie Burnett was an amazing lady that I grew up with at Eden Drive, Grace church and then at Fellowship Bible Church. I don't remember a time that I didn't know her. She was someone that you always felt like you were safe and happy with. She didn't let you out of her presence without giving her a BIG hug. I was very lucky to know her and George. Jackie passed away last year and has been greatly missed by so many people. But, she will be there to give Eden Grace a big hug and I have much comfort knowing that.)

Doctor's visit

We went to see Dr. Natour on Wednesday, May 19th. I am approximately 24 weeks now. Of course, we prayed for a miracle but we didn't see one. Dr. Natour has really been a true Godsend. She answers all of our questions with patience and sincerity. If she doesn't know the answer, she finds out for us. She did a sonogram and things had changed a little. Baby girls kidneys have grown to cover the span of her ribcage, so about the same size of her entire tummy. We could see the pockets of fluid in the cysts covering the kidneys. There is still little to no fluid surrounding her tiny body. (In the picture above, the ribcage can be seen in this direction (<) and the right kidney can be seen.) Poor little girl has no idea that everything isn't normal. She is kicking and punching around in there like crazy. So at least she seems happy. She is breech right now and Dr. Natour doesn't expect that she will turn around on her own. Therefore, it appears that I will most likely have a C-section when the time comes. We asked if we could donate her organs and will be finding out the answer to that soon. Dr. Natour wasn't sure if the kidneys might be toxic to the other organs, which would make them useless to another baby. I thought I would be a little more upset than I was but it was actually very exciting to see her on the monitor. That's our little baby and these are some of the few pictures we will have of her for our lifetime.
Bryan put it best, "When I am able to think really clearly,
I realize Eden's little body/life is not ours. None of our lives are ours.
God needs her now. For Him to take a life this soon means he really
needs her for greater things. Plus we will get to see her again when
we are lucky enough to be brought into Gods kingdom. We should feel
honored that OUR baby is being chosen to be by His side.
She's THAT special!!"

This verse has really helped me lately.

Isaiah 41:9-13 (New International Version)

⁹ I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant';
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

¹¹ "All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.

¹² Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.

¹³ For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

In verse 10 alone, the Lord promises strength, help, and protection. He gives two commands: "do not fear" and "do not anxiously look about you." Among Satan's subtle and successful traps is the art of distraction. The Evil One knows that fear can choke faith. He works hard to make unsettling circumstances a person's sole focus. Once a believer's attention is diverted from God, natural human tendencies take over. In the absence of prayer and worship, anxiety and doubt grow unobstructed.

Staying focused on God can be hard. The flesh prefers to seek security by thinking through all possible angles: our tendency is to weigh what we think could happen against what "experts" say will happen, and then to evaluate possible ways of preventing our worst fears from coming true. Instead of becoming more confident, we begin to realize how powerless we are.Thankfully, we serve an almighty God who says, "Surely I will help you" (v. 10). You can count on Him.

Your Hands - JJ Heller