The Perfect Place by Felicia

My wonderful friend, Felicia wrote this poem for us and I wanted to share it because it is too good not to. Thank you, Felicia, for being such a good friend to me.

THE PERFECT PLACE

Lord, I know Your plan is perfect

and I know You want us near

It's so hard sometimes to understand the things that happen here.

We hold on so tight to things we know

and things that we hold dear

that we can't hear your voice inside

that speaks so loud and clear.

You've prepared for us a place with you

without the pain and fear, but for now

it's hard to understand the things that happen here.

There'll come a day in that perfect place

where we'll see Jesus, Friends and Eden's Face

safe in the arms of HIS love.

Carrie, your courage makes me very proud

and I will say it very loud

shout it out above the crowd.

You've stepped out of your comfort zone

into the place of the unknown, where Jesus is

And in so doing you have shown the love

of God as it simply is and finding out that

on this journey you are not alone.

And so my friend, as we patiently wait

for our arrival to that perfect place

where you'll see your sweet Eden's face so near,

It's only then we'll finally understand the things that happened here.

A boy named Eden

Wednesday July 21^st, 2010

(From Bryan ’s Perspective)

Matthew 5:4 (NIV) (4) Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted.

First I would like to thank everyone who has supported us throughout this process. Many of you have passed this blog on to others. Many of you have read and responded to it. Many have promised to keep us in your prayers. Please take our most heartfelt thanks. We have felt not only God's amazing love, but also the love and support of friends, family, and anonymous readers.

Taking the story back to Carrie's last Dr. visit from July 1st; Carrie was dilated ½ cm and starting to feel contractions. Ok, scary stuff, but it was tolerable, we knew this was coming. What we didn’t know was why Carrie’s blood pressure was going up and down drastically. The Dr. tried a few medications that either didn’t help or the side affects were worse than the condition. Labs were run to check for preeclampsia, etc. The 4th of July weekend was very uneventful for us. Carrie started having sharper contractions, that were closer together and she slept about 18 hrs a day. The rest of the week was much the same, but we figured this must all be part of pregnancy. The next week brought more progressive news. Monday July 12th we saw the Dr. and were informed that Carrie was dilated to 1cm. With the dilation and the contractions, the Dr. considered Carrie to be in pre labor. In non medical terms, that means go home and suffer until full on delivery begins. On Tuesday Carrie was dead set on traveling to Gladewater to see/help with the Vacation Bible School at our church. We made it there and back without any complication.

Let me interject that even the tiny detail of us attending VBS that night was part of God's plan. You would assume that seeing 50+ kids running around would hurt the feelings of people with a terminal pregnancy…NOPE, just the opposite. We were overjoyed that these kids were learning the love of the Lord. We were overjoyed that those parents had made the decision to send those kids to the program. We were overjoyed how church members and the community gathered together for such a great cause.

Ok, Back to the story: Thursday July 15th Carrie woke up feeling bad in every way. Her contractions were terrible and she had not slept normally. Being the trooper that Carrie is she got ready for work (all you ladies know what a chore that is). I think she made it ½ the day before calling the Dr. because her blood pressure had reached 140/110. The diagnosis was much the same, still dilated to 1cm, very high blood pressure and of course those lovely contractions. The Dr’s orders, go home and rest for the day to get the blood pressure down.

On Friday July 16th, 2010, the amazing miracle of birth arrived. Of course since we never do things the easy way in the Albee household the day was a bit strange. Carrie got up, got ready and headed off to work. She was having terrible contractions before she even left the house. Something was up. But being Carrie she was going to work and fight her way through it. I got the call around 10:00 AM. Carrie was having contractions bad enough to fall to the floor in a coworker’s office. It was time (again) to get her to the Dr. As always, the office got us back quickly and before long we were measuring contractions every 4 minutes. We saw the Dr. and her prognosis was A) you are having Big contractions B) you are dilated to 4 cm, and C) “that’s a head I feel.” It was time for this baby to come.

For those of you who know Carrie and me, you know we are planners. Neurotic to a point, but planners none the less. We “planned” to pack the hospital bag, make calls, get to the grocery, etc., finished over the weekend. Well, none of that got done. Heck we were having a baby Right Now! We rushed home, threw random things in a bag and headed out the door. Arriving at ETMC was simple and easy. Carrie's room in the ETMC family birthplace was ready for her before we arrived. Thanks to the lovely folks at our Dr’s office, the hospital staff knew all about us before we got there. A quick few phone calls were made to family and the process began.

At 2:00 PM the Dr decided to start a drug to aid in dilation (pitocin) as well as some pain meds to help with contractions. By 4:00 PM the contractions were very bad. We were minutes away from birth and there was no time for an epidural. Carrie was prepped and by 4:20 PM it was time. Being written from a male perspective I’ll be the first to say my wife is super human. No epidural and pain meds that had long since worn off were producing earth shattering contractions. The nurses kept telling her not to push. Being as sweet and accommodating as Carrie is, she apologized. We all got a good laugh out of that. Again, as a male, I was not too sure how I would handle witnessing birth. But watching the miracle take place, first a head, then little shoulders, then little legs and feet… It changed my life forever. As Cliché as it is to say I still must make the statement: How could anyone not believe in God once they have seen a baby born?

Our sweet baby Eden was born at 4:47 PM July 16th 2010. 1lb 14oz, and 12” long. Carrie handled birth amazingly well, no complications at all. Of course, we were praying for miracles up to the last second. “Let the Drs. be wrong, Let this baby be perfect, Let this baby live.” But all those wishes are by our own design. We wish, want and try to control things every day. We forget that we control nothing, God’s plan is perfect. Just to get his point across, God decided to give us one last lesson in giving up control. We had planned colors, outfits and the name, Eden Grace from the start. God was giving us a baby girl. Potter's Syndrome or not, we love her and are going to plan for her. WELL, about 5 min after birth the doctor said to the nurse, “Have we confirmed the sex of the baby?” The nurse lifted the little leg and looked at the doctor with wide eyes. The doctor looked at us and smiled. The first thing we thought was, "Oh my goodness!!!" It was a BOY! So we did not have a perfect baby girl, we had a perfect baby boy. Eden William Albee. Our little guy lived 13 minutes. The best 13 minutes of mine and Carrie's life.

We brought immediate family in to see and hold Eden. We invited our pastor and his wife to be with us and to give a short celebration and dedication. We had pictures taken, and lots of little memory tokens were arranged. We were able to spend as much time as we wanted with him. After most of our family had gone home Carrie and I spent some private time with each other, Eden and the Lord. We prayed for Eden , we prayed for ourselves and we prayed for all the folks who have been supporting and praying for us. It was amazingly uplifting and beautiful. Of course we cried and felt down, but there was an overwhelming sense that God's plan is so perfect that even a situation this sad had a higher purpose. We knew immediately that Eden was with the Lord, and his little body was just a short reminder to us as the parents that he was ours, but ultimately belongs to God.

To wrap up my novel of a post I’d just like to say a word about time. In the case of Carrie and I, the Lord started us with a 9 month timeline. We thought it would feel like an eternity to carry and deliver a baby that was determined terminal from the start. But it didn’t. A flock of people and prayers surrounded us immediately and the numbers increased as time went on. To us God’s hands held us as he used people and prayer to surround us. Next we were given time to make choices. Trusting in God we were able to find a practice and a Dr. that better suited Carrie's comfort and our situation. If we had not trusted in Prayer we would never have had the clarity to choose such an amazing Dr. Finally, we were able to spend 13 minutes with our son before he passed. Before this situation I would have thought nothing significant could be accomplished in 13 short minutes. I was wrong. In 13 minutes Carrie's life, my life and the lives of our family changed so radically it’s nothing less than supernatural. We experienced purity, a peace and an understanding of our God that was so beautiful. Many people see our situation as sad. Many people have called how we have handled it courageous. Let me be the first to tell you our courage came right from God. Our situation may seem sad but truthfully, we will have an amazing ambassador in heaven. And we have all learned the value of faith. Carrie mentioned the other day that it was selfish to feel sad about our situation, after all it’s God’s plan, we should be happy to see it carried out. It's selfish to want our baby here with us. She’s beautifully correct. Although we will all mourn Eden , he should be a reminder to all of us that so many people joined together through the grace of God to help and pray. Through this, all of us have been touched by God. Finally, do not let time stand in the way of prayer. God’s timeline is drastically different than ours. Don’t wait to pray, you could lose those valuable 13 minutes that changes lives. God’s answer may take seconds or years, but I assure you he hears it and it will be answered.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV) The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

2 Corninthians 2:14

2 Corinthians 2:14 (New International Version)

¹⁴But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

I read this verse in one of my devotionals this week and it really slapped me in the face. Last week was a very rough week for me emotionally because I was tying up some loose ends as far as planning. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed, but I'm always grateful I did. I work with some amazing people and I know I was placed in my job to go through this journey with them. These people really do care. I've been told so many times that I am such a witness and that people can see the Holy Spirit glowing around me. How very humbling....some days I just feel like a little insignificant worm. I'm so thankful for the people that are brave enough to ask me questions and not be afraid of crushing me. I'm also very aware that this sort of situation scares the pants off of most people so they just don't say anything. I get that!! I used to be that way.

I started having contractions on Sunday night. They were approximately 30 minutes apart starting at about midnight and were still going strong on Monday afternoon. I decided I better call my doctor to make sure everything was ok. She hooked me up to a machine that measures contractions. Sure enough, I was having early labor contractions. I was also dilated to 1/2 cm. I'm sure that I've still got some waiting to do but it really made me think I better get into gear. I'm typically very A-type so I am really annoyed when I don't have all my ducks in a row when things pop up. On Tuesday, I decided to get after it. Honestly, I didn't have a clue HOW to start planning for something like this. I've been reading what other people have done in similar situations but have been putting it off because it's just one of those things that a person can't get excited about. I prayed that God would just lead me where I needed to go. A lady that I work with walked into my office and just started telling me about a local funeral home that is known for being family oriented, Christian people. As soon as she left my office, I decided to just get it done. I looked up Stewart Family Funeral Home and called. The lady that answered the phone sounded nice. I was relieved. I managed to convey my reason for calling but I couldn't even tell you what I said to her. She asked me politely if she could put me on hold so she could get the person I needed to talk to. It seemed like FOREVER that I was on hold. I couldn't catch my breath between the tears. A nice man named Robert answered and I shushed up very quickly. I don't really know what I said to him, but he very kindly told me how so very sorry he was but he also knew that God gave this special girl to me for a reason and he would work miracles through her tiny life. He said all the things that I believe and I just couldn't have been more pleased that I spoke to him. I know that God put him on the other end of the phone. He said exactly what I needed to hear. They are taking care of all the costs for us. What a blessing!!! I dreaded going to the funeral home to look at tiny infant caskets. He said not to worry about it. We are going to have our pastor, Luke Kimbley, and his wife, Alisha dedicate Eden Grace at the hospital. We aren't going to have a service for her. We feel like her soul will be in heaven and that's all that matters. We will be cremating her. Robert told me to enjoy this precious time we have with her now and we will worry about the details when we need to. So, no paperwork or thinking about it until it's time. Thank the LORD!!

I was also told about a Christian volunteer organization called "Now I lay me down to sleep". I contacted the local person and she shared her wonderful story with me. Her grandson was born very prematurely and had to stay in NICU for 4 months. As she visited him there, she saw several mother's and father's go through situations similar to ours. Her heart was led to this ministry, as she is a professional photographer by trade. She will be taking photos for no charge. She also offered to do maternity photos at no charge as well. What a precious keepsake, one that you can't really put a price on.

The next day another lady that I work with came to me and asked me if I had a special outfit for Eden. Nope, that was another thing I had prayed would just come to me. I had looked online but didn't really want to purchase something like that. I wasn't quite ready for that. I told her that she was answering my prayer. I know it was hard for her to ask me about this but it was perfect timing. Thank you, again, Lord!!! This lady is in a quilting group with another lady that started an organization that makes these special dresses for little bitty babies. She was going to see her the next day and would bring me some to choose from. I couldn't have come up with a more perfect outfit on my own. The picture below shows the dress, the little hat, receiving blanket and a little keepsake heart. The heart has a spot on the back that you write the name and birth date, etc. We will keep the heart for her collection of memories.

Another lady I work with made a special necklace for Eden with a Pink Rose as the main attraction. Little did I know that every flower has a meaning attached to it. The pink rose means: Grace, Beauty, Gentleness, you are lovely.

One of my dear friends that I used to work with wanted to do something special for Eden. She started asking me little questions a few months ago. Little did I know that she was using her sales tactics to seek information without me really knowing what she was up to. Shanna asked me what colors I would do Eden's nursery and what her name was going to be. I think Shanna was one of the first people to know her name, after our parents. A few weeks later I got a package in the mail that included a sweet and perfect little memory blanket the exact colors that I wanted Eden's nursery to be, with her name monogrammed on it. The squares on the blanket are for family and friends to write something special to Eden. We will also have her little feet and hand prints stamped on it. What a wonderful way to remember all of the love that we will feel on that special day!!


"He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering,'" (Mark 5:34 NIV).
Jesus called me out from the shadows and placed me center stage. No longer am I a woman in need of a healing touch, but now a believer who has received it and was called on to tell about it. I pray that I can do that more and more every single day!!

Sense of Urgency

I've been feeling an extreme sense of urgency lately. I've been blessed to not have to deal with a whole lot of death in my life. It's always seemed like such a sad thing because one minute someone is here and living and the next minute they are just gone. I've always felt like I didn't really understand it completely. In the past week, I've lost a couple of people that were significant in my life and my childhood dog died as well. Wow, my gut seems like it can't get punched in any more.
So, this led to a lot of thinking on my part. Instead of feeling sad about people dying, I feel sad that I don't know FOR SURE that they are in Heaven. I wouldn't call it a feeling of guilt, but rather a feeling of "why am I not out there telling people about Jesus EVERY single opportunity I have?" Who cares if they get mad at me now or are offended? How mad will they be if they are in HELL wishing someone would have told them?

I think when you start to really see the reality of death and what you will have in Heaven, death is an exciting thing!! People tell me and Bryan that they don't really know how we are getting through such a situation without being sad all the time. Don't get me wrong, there are moments that I am driving in my car and I just burst into sobbing tears. I'm human......But, when I realized what is really happening here, it brings me great joy. Bryan recently said this and I just love it!!!
"if you get upset, just think about Eden never having to feel pain, never having to go through the stresses of physical life. She never has to watch wars, oil spills, kids being mean on a playground. She has eternal backstage passes to all the best concerts. Court side seats to the basketball games. Literally Skybox seats to every event we could ever imagine. As a bonus, we have someone to greet us at the gates. Just imagine getting to meet Eden and Jesus the same day! These are the things to focus on."
How could that not make you smile??? It is beyond our understanding but it is God's plan, and it is divine.

I'd like to share a verse that has helped me this week......
Philippians 4:10-19
¹⁰I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Paul wrote these words from a prison cell—a place of great physical discomfort. From a human perspective, we would all agree that God should have provided for Paul by relieving his suffering. But instead, the Lord taught him contentment in this difficult situation. Although his physical discomfort remained, a greater need for a changed attitude was met.

A change of heart toward ongoing suffering is a huge challenge. On our own, it's impossible, but the Lord promises to strengthen us through Christ. By living in dependence and submission to Him, we gain His power to overcome our negative, sinful attitudes and learn contentment in all kinds of situations.

Our problem is not that the Lord won't provide for us, but that we so often fail to understand what our deepest needs are. God sees from an unlimited perspective and works for our eternal good, providing for us according to His good purposes from the limitless supply of "His riches in glory."

So, my friends, this is what I've been working on. I have asked God for strength in a time of difficulty and he has given it to me beyond any degree I could have imagined.

God's Garden

The Master Gardener from above
planted a seed in the garden of love.
And from it grew a rosebud small it never
had time to open at all.

For God in His perfect and wise way
chose this rose for his heavenly bouquet.
And great was the joy of this tiny rose, to be chosen by the
Father to leave earth's garden below.
To live in a garden on high where roses bloom always
and never die.

So while I can't see your precious rose bloom.
You'll know the great gardener from the upper room,
is watching and tending his wee rose with care,
tenderly touching each petal so fair.

So you think of your darling with the angels above,
secure and content surrounded by love.
And remember God blessed and enriched your lives, too.
For in dying your darling brought heaven closer to you.



Thank you, Elaine, for giving me this beautiful poem.

Stop worrying!!!

Anxiety seems to be something that everyone deals with. As believers, however, we are commanded not to worry. Instead, we're to rely on a conditional promise from our heavenly Father: If we will seek His kingdom, all our needs will be provided. This is the opposite of the world's philosophy, which tells us to pull up our big girl panties and do what we can to meet our own needs.

Thank goodness we can rely on our God for these things:

• He keeps His word. Every promise is backed by His divine nature. According to Titus 1:2, God cannot lie. He never makes a promise that He won't keep.

• He is all-knowing. Our heavenly Father is mindful of all our needs—the ones we bring to Him in prayer as well as those of which we are unaware.

• He is all-powerful. The sovereign Ruler of the universe backs His promises with almighty power. "Nothing will be impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).

• He cares. God's provision for birds and flowers is proof of His even greater care for those who are made in His image. Not only is He able to meet our needs, but He also wants to provide for us.

I've struggled with this over the past week. I seem to go back and forth between being very sad to being very happy. I realize that as soon as I get sad, I am not focusing on God. It's easy to get off track because we are human, and because the devil is very good at being evil.

I went to the doctor today to have my blood drawn to test for Gestational Diabetes. I will find out those results later this week. It was also time for my 28 week sonogram. It was a very thorough sonogram. This is what I learned today:

• Eden is measuring the size of a 24 week baby; 1lb 12 oz.
• Eden has only grown 1% in 4 weeks due to the lack of space she has to grow
• Eden's heart is now very enlarged with fluid around it. (This means that she is going into congestive heart failure)
• My blood pressure has gone up quite a bit. Usually it is around 100-115/60-70. Today it was 140/90.

So, what does this mean??? My doctor feels that Eden will probably pass away before she has a chance to be born due to the CHF. We don't really know when this will happen. I guess it makes sense that if your kidneys don't filter out urine, the fluid has to get backed up somewhere. It is not a surprise that Eden has only grown a very small amount. When you don't have room to grow, you just don't. I am supposed to recheck my BP in the morning to see if it has improved. My doctor is concerned about this leading to preeclampsia. I have been feeling lots of kicks and punches from my little cheerleader so I will be monitoring that over the next few weeks. In fact, today during the ultrasound, she punched the wand while it was on my belly. Dr. Natour felt it move her hand. I guess she didn't like being poked!! If I stop feeling those kicks, I am to call my doctor.

We learn the most from the deepest pain. We learn to know God and not just about God. When our selves shatter, beauty grows.

The Christian life can be likened to a race with a predetermined course and a finish line in eternity. Each believer has a personalized route specially designed by the Lord. Our goal is to stay on track and run with endurance, but the path can be discerned and negotiated only by focusing on Jesus. Because He ran the race perfectly and finished His course, He can show us the way.

Memorial day weekend I started to feel pains that were coming and going about every hour or so. It felt like my stomach was tightening up and it was as hard as a rock. I wasn't really sure what was going on but it didn't feel very pleasant. I decided that it wasn't bad enough to call the doctor or go to the hospital. I felt a little dizzy and disoriented on Sunday. I assumed that it could be attributed to pregnancy "normals". Just to be safe, I called the doctor on Tuesday and she thought that I should come in to make sure that everything was ok. Dr. Natour checked to make sure I wasn't in early labor. It didn't appear to be that. She did a quick sonogram and discovered that Eden had flipped around from breech to head down. Praise the LORD!!!! What an answer to prayer. No wonder I was in so much pain. Dr. N said that most people don't feel as much at this point in pregnancy because they have the benefit of the cushion from the fluid. At my last appointment, it didn't appear that this was very likely for her to do on her own. Good girl!!! I'm so proud of her!! :) It's amazing how I've learned to really value the small things!!! But no doubt, I see this as a miracle. This reduces the chances that I might have to have a c-section. Woohooo!! The dizziness I was experiencing turned out to be dehydration. I've been instructed to drink a gallon of water a day. I feel like all I do now is drink water and visit the ladies room. :) But, I am feeling better!!!