How did we get here???

If your life was like a painting, the strokes that are being 

added to the canvas today may not make much sense when 

viewed alone.  However, God doesn't waste any strokes...

for He sees the final picture... You may think the color being 

used today is too gray...(but) the time will come when you 

will see that...the meaning of the painting would be weakened 

if the gray strokes were not included in the exact places they 

appear.

I wanted to start this blog so that family and friends could follow Bryan and me through our journey of faith through the biggest trial we have faced in our short lives. I've never been one to share much about myself or things I am going through. I've always been a little shy and frankly didn't think anyone really cared about what I had to say. God has been nudging me to start this blog for the past couple of weeks. As I was reading my Bible last night, it became very clear that He was telling me not to wait any longer.
So, here is the rundown. Bryan and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over a year now. I first got pregnant in March '09 and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks in May '09. I got pregnant again in Sept. '09 and again had a miscarriage in Oct. '09. Each time it was difficult but I knew that God had a plan and he was saving me from something that could have been much worse. I definitely trust his perfect plan. We stopped 'trying' to get pregnant and guess what; I got pregnant in December '09. This was it!!! This had to be the one!!!
We didn't want to tell anyone this time until we got further along. Our doctor, who was not the most comforting person, told us to wait until about week 14-15 before we shared our news. Our parents were the only other people that knew so that they could be praying for us. (On a side note, I never really felt a connection with my doctor but thought I would stick it out with him since he had been through the past two miscarriages with us. I had to have a d&C with the first miscarriage. My doctor didn't remember it or even look at my chart to see my history the second time around. There were several episodes like this.) Our pastor and his wife were the next to find out and then it became difficult to keep it all a secret. We started telling everyone because it seemed that everything was going well this time. So, at about 17 weeks, I decided to switch to a female OBGYN. I asked several people who they recommended and I kept getting the same answer, Four Seasons Women's Healthcare in Tyler,TX. I made an appointment, feeling comfortable with a small practice that consisted of 4 Christian women. Do you think God had anything to to with that one???? I was very excited to see my new doctor and knew that she had to be better than my last doctor. She is wonderful!!!
The Saturday before my first appointment with the new doctor we had decided to go to a local place called Sonocare that would do sonograms and let your family watch. So, Bryan, his mom, my mom, and I went on Sat., April 10. We were going to find out the sex of the baby and get pictures and a short video. The sonographer started to look around and mentioned that she was having a hard time seeing much of anything because there was barely any fluid. It wasn't like this the last time we had a sonogram.....After searching around she was able to tell us that it was a little girl. Yay!!! So, since she is a sonographer only, she isn't supposed to interpret what she sees. She started to tell us more than she probably should have. We appreciated it. She said that the kidneys had cysts all over them. I asked her what that meant. She casually stated that it could be Poly-cystic Kidney Disease. I didn't really feel like I should be too worried. I was very calm, which is not like me. I had to lay there and tell God that he knew what he was doing with this baby girl. The sonographer asked us when we had our next appointment with the doctor. I told her it was scheduled for the following Monday. She seemed very relieved that it was so soon. She said she would call our doctor and discuss what she saw. Still, I didn't feel like I should be worried. I went home and googled tons of stuff and didn't find much about PKD so I figured, "eh, I'm not going to worry about it".
My first appointment my new OBGYN was on April 12, 2009. She was very thorough and told us that she had talked to the sonographer and that she had already scheduled me for a Level 2 ultrasound in Dallas. Great!!! That was my first clue that she was suspicious of something. She did the ultrasound herself next. She was very detailed about what she was looking for and what she was measuring and what she saw. Thank you, Lord!! We finally had someone who would tell us what was going on. We have felt in the dark about everything up until this point. She said that she did see cysts on the kidneys. What this means is that the kidneys are not functioning the way they are supposed to in order to pump urine out. At about 15 weeks, the mother's kidneys are no longer doing all the work to create fluid and filter waste. The babies kidneys are supposed to take over to start producing the amniotic fluid (which is made mostly of it's own urine). The amniotic fluid keeps space in the womb. It also provides oxygen to the baby. As the baby takes in this fluid it creates a positive pressure and allows for the lungs to form properly. So, without at least one properly functioning kidney there is no urine produced. Without the urine, there is no amniotic fluid. Without the amniotic fluid the baby's lungs can't form the way they need to. The kidneys could be fixed, after birth, with dialysis and eventually transplants. But, the lungs cannot. Our doctor wanted us to go to Dallas to see a perinatologist to confirm what she thought she was seeing. Luckily, we were able to get an appointment that Friday, April 16. Bryan and I began praying immediately. We selfishly prayed for a miracle. I told God every day that I knew that he was the only one that could make this baby girl perfect and healthy. But only if that was His plan.
Friday morning came slowly. We got up very early and prayed before we left home, on the way there, before we went in and after we saw the sonographer. The sonographer was very quiet and didn't really have any expressions on her face the entire time she looked at our sweet daughter. She was done in a few minutes and told us that the doctor would be in shortly. We only waited a very short time before the doctor came in.....alone. He had a very serious look on his face and said that he would do another sonogram and he'd probably make a few funny faces as he looked around. He said he wouldn't start talking until he was sure what he saw. He looked around for about a minute and put the wand down. The blurred image of our daughter was suspended on the screen in front of us as he started to speak. (Without any fluid, it's very difficult to see the baby). "Your daughter has a condition that is incompatible with life. Her kidneys have cysts on them that make it very difficult for her to produce enough urine to pump out to produce enough amniotic fluid. Her lungs will never develop properly. She will more than likely make it to term and die within a few hours after birth. He discussed our options. Carry our daughter to term, knowing she would not live. Or, have a procedure that will terminate the pregnancy. (At this point, he grabbed my leg) It's not like the abortion's you see on tv. This baby was a wanted baby. You wouldn't have to feel bad about it." I shook my head as he was saying the last few sentence's. I told him that terminating wasn't an option for me. He told me to think about it. Well, there is nothing to think about..... Bryan said he thought the Dr. answered all of our questions with compassion and wanted us to understand our options.
I asked the Dr. what to call this condition. He explained it was, "Potter's syndrome. The baby will not have very much space to grow, in addition to the kidneys and lung issues, she will have arms and legs that are bound up closely to her and her nose and ears will be smashed to her face."