Random Thoughts

Lately, I can't seem to stop thinking about the last time I saw Eden. When Bryan and I finally decided that little Eden's body was starting to show the signs that his soul was gone, we made the call to the nurse that it was time to take him. He was wearing an infant onesie that completely sucked him up. The little sleeves were rolled up a few times (which reminded me a lot of Bryan when he wears long sleeved dress shirts) and he had a little white cotton hat on his wrinkled head. The hat kept falling off his head because it was way too big and like any mom would do, I kept putting it back on, as if he were cold. Once we made the call, I started to panic because I knew that once the nurse took him away, we'd never see our baby again until we see him in heaven. It was a very surreal moment when she knocked on the door. Her sweet face smiled at us as she asked us if we were ready. That is not a question that you can ever be prepared to answer. Bryan and I gave Eden one last kiss on his bright red lips. When the nurse cradled him, I couldn't see his face anymore. I'm so thankful that she didn't hang around much longer because I probably would have had a heart attack. It was also a good thing that I was still hooked to monitors and IV's because my first instinct was to run after her. How could they be taking my little baby to the morgue? He would be all alone. I was supposed to take care of him. I literally felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and carried away and I wasn't sure if I'd ever get it back. Bryan and I just hugged each other and cried for what seemed like forever. I slept about an hour that entire night.At about 4am I just started to bawl. My mom was 'sleeping' on the couch in the room so I was trying my hardest to cry quietly so I wouldn't wake her up. She sweetly rolled over and just smiled at me. There was really nothing to say. Bryan had gone home a couple of hours earlier to let our dog out and feed her since it had been 12 hours since we had been home. It was so hard to lay there and know that my son's body was in that hospital all by himself. I know that he was already having fun playing with golden blocks on Jesus' lap, but the mommy in me selfishly wanted the hold him and play with him. I read about something called empty arm syndrome and I learned very quickly that it is a real thing.
My point to writing all of this is to say this.....I thought that I may not get my heart back, but I am here to tell you that I not only have my heart back, it's much bigger. I feel an overwhelming love for every child I see. I work in a doctor's office that has the best pediatric ophthalmologist in the world as far as I am concerned. He sees children from hundreds of miles away. A lot of these children have terrible debilitating syndromes. I smile every day that I see them. God has a purpose for every single one of them and their parents. WE should all remember that every single human being is special.
This is from an interview with Rick Warren:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life..

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is 'my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

Every moment, THANK GOD.."

And the devil sure is good at being the devil.  When you are trying extra hard to be a good witness he will put up road blocks to make it even more difficult.  Just remember JOB.  :)  

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me the best husband in the world, thank you for giving Eden to us. Thank you for giving me the best and the worst 7 months of my life. I have seen my husband as a father now. My love for him has changed and grown. Thank you for covering us in a warm blanket of prayers. Thank you for:

DELIVERANCE. You have been delivered from darkness (Colossians 1:13).
KNOWLEDGE.  You can be filled with the knowledge of His will (Colossians
1:19).
LIGHT. You are a child of the light (1Thessalonians 5:5)
GROWTH.  You can discover new things about God's love (Ephesians 3:18).
AUTHORITY.  You are seated with Christ (Ephesians 2:6).
FULLNESS.  You can be filled with God's fullness (Ephesians 3:19
COMFORT.  You are comforted in hard times (2 Corinthians 1:4)

Sincerely, 
Eden's Mommy

Test Results

It has now been 8 weeks since Eden was born. We have been waiting patiently for the test results to come back from Mayo Clinic. We were told it would take about 6 weeks for the results to be back.

Bryan and I have learned so much over the past year. We've learned that NOTHING is in our control. We have learned to be a stronger couple. We have learned to put things into perspective. We have learned that things that we thought were so important to us, really are not that important after all. We have learned that family is more than just a word. Time is not infinite, and it must be treasured. We are given gifts, gifts that must be cherished, because as quickly as we are given those gifts, they can be taken away. To live for today because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Not to dwell on what you don’t have, but to cherish what you do. Never to part without telling the ones you love what they mean to you. We have also gained more faith than we ever thought possible. We are so blessed that through this we have become closer to Our Father and hopefully others have gained more trust and faith through our little angel.

Eden's blood was tested to see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities. There was a sequence on chromosome 5 that came back abnormal. In turn, Bryan and I had our blood drawn to see if we were carriers of this abnormality. Mayo Clinic only has 2 other reported cases of this abnormality. The 2 cases both went on to live but both had mental retardation, cleft palates, etc. Eden did not have a cleft palate and the autopsy confirmed that his brain was completely normal, meaning there was no mental retardation. We were told that this could be what they call balanced translocation. It would be called this if Bryan or I were carriers. The results came back for Bryan and me and both of our chromosomes were completely normal. Mine was 46 XX and Bryan was 46 XY. Yay! When people are carriers of balanced translocations, they typically have several miscarriages but can go on to have perfectly normal children. In our case, it was determined to be a "fluke". This was something completely separate from the polycystic kidney disease (Potter's syndrome). We received these results about 3 weeks ago.

We finally got the results of the PKD this past week. The results read as such:

'A mutation was NOT detected. These results decrease the likelihood, but do not rule out the diagnosis of Autosomal Recessive Polycystic Kidney Disease. Some individuals with ARPKD have mutations that are not identified by the methods described.' Basically, our doctor said that this means that in Eden's case, it was considered a "fluke".

We weren't really sure what results we were hoping for. On one hand, you want a scientific reason that you can attribute this all to. But on the other hand, we didn't want to find out that one of us had something wrong with us. I find myself trying to rationalize it all in my head almost daily. I always come to the same conclusion.....no matter what the medical/scientific results said, it doesn't change the obvious: God can do whatever HE wants to. That's it!!! There is NO rationalizing or making sense of it. That is the only answer.

We know that God was taking care of Eden the whole time. If he had only had the chromosomal abnormality, he could have lived, but he may have had a difficult life. Since there are only 2 other cases of this reported we really don't know what kind of difficulties he would have had. The Polycystic Kidneys were the reason that he could not survive outside of the womb. So, God took Eden to live a perfect life in heaven rather than making him suffer on earth. In that way, we feel blessed.

As far as our future goes, we are going to be doing a lot of praying and even more trusting that He will take care of us. We would love to be parents again some day, but we will just have to wait until He is ready.

His Grace IS Sufficient

 Grace extends the hand that lifts us out of the miry clay, throws the rope that pulls us from the deepest pit, and lights the flame that brings us out of the darkest cave.

I can't believe that it's been a little over 4 weeks since my sweet little boy was born. The last four weeks have been such a blur. My memory has been terrible!!!!

Bryan and I have been so overwhelmed with the amount of love we have felt over the past few weeks. We are so humbled!! We had no idea how many people out there sincerely care about us. Thank you to everyone who has sent text messages, facebook messages, emails, letters, cards, etc. It's so healing to hear from people we don't even know that tell us that our story has helped them. We know that GOD has walked in front of us during this time in our lives and he has given us the strength and the comfort that we needed. He is so good all the time!!!

We are starting to feel some sense of closure but there are so many things that you never think of or know to expect. We got Eden's social security card in the mail last week and are still awaiting a death certificate. We also received a letter from our insurance company trying to get us to add Eden to the policy. Oops. It's like a punch in the gut every time something else comes in the mail. But, again, His grace really is sufficient.

I got an email FW: last week about the little things in life. It was a story about several people who worked in the World Trade Center building. It was 9/11. One person was the designated donut getter that day so they were late to work, another's alarm didn't go off, another's car didn't start.....you get the point. So, really, when we think that our day is going bad or we are annoyed by something that gets in our way, we should really by thankful.....God plans everything the way it is supposed to be.

We've been back to the doctor twice since Eden's birth. Some preliminary results have come back from the Mayo Clinic but it still doesn't tell us anything until we have the final report. We did get a final autopsy report yesterday. The things we learned from that report were that Eden actually had only 1 horseshoe shaped kidney instead of two. There were definitely cysts all over the kidney. He had a hole in his heart but it wasn't as enlarged as it looked on the sonogram. It was a little enlarged and had a small amount of fluid around it. None of the other organs seemed to be abnormal or have cysts. Bryan and I both had our blood drawn two weeks ago so that they could compare our genetic mappings to Eden's. At this point, that is all we know. We are hoping that we will have some answers in two weeks.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:35, 38-39 NIV).

The Perfect Place by Felicia

My wonderful friend, Felicia wrote this poem for us and I wanted to share it because it is too good not to. Thank you, Felicia, for being such a good friend to me.

THE PERFECT PLACE

Lord, I know Your plan is perfect

and I know You want us near

It's so hard sometimes to understand the things that happen here.

We hold on so tight to things we know

and things that we hold dear

that we can't hear your voice inside

that speaks so loud and clear.

You've prepared for us a place with you

without the pain and fear, but for now

it's hard to understand the things that happen here.

There'll come a day in that perfect place

where we'll see Jesus, Friends and Eden's Face

safe in the arms of HIS love.

Carrie, your courage makes me very proud

and I will say it very loud

shout it out above the crowd.

You've stepped out of your comfort zone

into the place of the unknown, where Jesus is

And in so doing you have shown the love

of God as it simply is and finding out that

on this journey you are not alone.

And so my friend, as we patiently wait

for our arrival to that perfect place

where you'll see your sweet Eden's face so near,

It's only then we'll finally understand the things that happened here.

A boy named Eden

Wednesday July 21^st, 2010

(From Bryan ’s Perspective)

Matthew 5:4 (NIV) (4) Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted.

First I would like to thank everyone who has supported us throughout this process. Many of you have passed this blog on to others. Many of you have read and responded to it. Many have promised to keep us in your prayers. Please take our most heartfelt thanks. We have felt not only God's amazing love, but also the love and support of friends, family, and anonymous readers.

Taking the story back to Carrie's last Dr. visit from July 1st; Carrie was dilated ½ cm and starting to feel contractions. Ok, scary stuff, but it was tolerable, we knew this was coming. What we didn’t know was why Carrie’s blood pressure was going up and down drastically. The Dr. tried a few medications that either didn’t help or the side affects were worse than the condition. Labs were run to check for preeclampsia, etc. The 4th of July weekend was very uneventful for us. Carrie started having sharper contractions, that were closer together and she slept about 18 hrs a day. The rest of the week was much the same, but we figured this must all be part of pregnancy. The next week brought more progressive news. Monday July 12th we saw the Dr. and were informed that Carrie was dilated to 1cm. With the dilation and the contractions, the Dr. considered Carrie to be in pre labor. In non medical terms, that means go home and suffer until full on delivery begins. On Tuesday Carrie was dead set on traveling to Gladewater to see/help with the Vacation Bible School at our church. We made it there and back without any complication.

Let me interject that even the tiny detail of us attending VBS that night was part of God's plan. You would assume that seeing 50+ kids running around would hurt the feelings of people with a terminal pregnancy…NOPE, just the opposite. We were overjoyed that these kids were learning the love of the Lord. We were overjoyed that those parents had made the decision to send those kids to the program. We were overjoyed how church members and the community gathered together for such a great cause.

Ok, Back to the story: Thursday July 15th Carrie woke up feeling bad in every way. Her contractions were terrible and she had not slept normally. Being the trooper that Carrie is she got ready for work (all you ladies know what a chore that is). I think she made it ½ the day before calling the Dr. because her blood pressure had reached 140/110. The diagnosis was much the same, still dilated to 1cm, very high blood pressure and of course those lovely contractions. The Dr’s orders, go home and rest for the day to get the blood pressure down.

On Friday July 16th, 2010, the amazing miracle of birth arrived. Of course since we never do things the easy way in the Albee household the day was a bit strange. Carrie got up, got ready and headed off to work. She was having terrible contractions before she even left the house. Something was up. But being Carrie she was going to work and fight her way through it. I got the call around 10:00 AM. Carrie was having contractions bad enough to fall to the floor in a coworker’s office. It was time (again) to get her to the Dr. As always, the office got us back quickly and before long we were measuring contractions every 4 minutes. We saw the Dr. and her prognosis was A) you are having Big contractions B) you are dilated to 4 cm, and C) “that’s a head I feel.” It was time for this baby to come.

For those of you who know Carrie and me, you know we are planners. Neurotic to a point, but planners none the less. We “planned” to pack the hospital bag, make calls, get to the grocery, etc., finished over the weekend. Well, none of that got done. Heck we were having a baby Right Now! We rushed home, threw random things in a bag and headed out the door. Arriving at ETMC was simple and easy. Carrie's room in the ETMC family birthplace was ready for her before we arrived. Thanks to the lovely folks at our Dr’s office, the hospital staff knew all about us before we got there. A quick few phone calls were made to family and the process began.

At 2:00 PM the Dr decided to start a drug to aid in dilation (pitocin) as well as some pain meds to help with contractions. By 4:00 PM the contractions were very bad. We were minutes away from birth and there was no time for an epidural. Carrie was prepped and by 4:20 PM it was time. Being written from a male perspective I’ll be the first to say my wife is super human. No epidural and pain meds that had long since worn off were producing earth shattering contractions. The nurses kept telling her not to push. Being as sweet and accommodating as Carrie is, she apologized. We all got a good laugh out of that. Again, as a male, I was not too sure how I would handle witnessing birth. But watching the miracle take place, first a head, then little shoulders, then little legs and feet… It changed my life forever. As Cliché as it is to say I still must make the statement: How could anyone not believe in God once they have seen a baby born?

Our sweet baby Eden was born at 4:47 PM July 16th 2010. 1lb 14oz, and 12” long. Carrie handled birth amazingly well, no complications at all. Of course, we were praying for miracles up to the last second. “Let the Drs. be wrong, Let this baby be perfect, Let this baby live.” But all those wishes are by our own design. We wish, want and try to control things every day. We forget that we control nothing, God’s plan is perfect. Just to get his point across, God decided to give us one last lesson in giving up control. We had planned colors, outfits and the name, Eden Grace from the start. God was giving us a baby girl. Potter's Syndrome or not, we love her and are going to plan for her. WELL, about 5 min after birth the doctor said to the nurse, “Have we confirmed the sex of the baby?” The nurse lifted the little leg and looked at the doctor with wide eyes. The doctor looked at us and smiled. The first thing we thought was, "Oh my goodness!!!" It was a BOY! So we did not have a perfect baby girl, we had a perfect baby boy. Eden William Albee. Our little guy lived 13 minutes. The best 13 minutes of mine and Carrie's life.

We brought immediate family in to see and hold Eden. We invited our pastor and his wife to be with us and to give a short celebration and dedication. We had pictures taken, and lots of little memory tokens were arranged. We were able to spend as much time as we wanted with him. After most of our family had gone home Carrie and I spent some private time with each other, Eden and the Lord. We prayed for Eden , we prayed for ourselves and we prayed for all the folks who have been supporting and praying for us. It was amazingly uplifting and beautiful. Of course we cried and felt down, but there was an overwhelming sense that God's plan is so perfect that even a situation this sad had a higher purpose. We knew immediately that Eden was with the Lord, and his little body was just a short reminder to us as the parents that he was ours, but ultimately belongs to God.

To wrap up my novel of a post I’d just like to say a word about time. In the case of Carrie and I, the Lord started us with a 9 month timeline. We thought it would feel like an eternity to carry and deliver a baby that was determined terminal from the start. But it didn’t. A flock of people and prayers surrounded us immediately and the numbers increased as time went on. To us God’s hands held us as he used people and prayer to surround us. Next we were given time to make choices. Trusting in God we were able to find a practice and a Dr. that better suited Carrie's comfort and our situation. If we had not trusted in Prayer we would never have had the clarity to choose such an amazing Dr. Finally, we were able to spend 13 minutes with our son before he passed. Before this situation I would have thought nothing significant could be accomplished in 13 short minutes. I was wrong. In 13 minutes Carrie's life, my life and the lives of our family changed so radically it’s nothing less than supernatural. We experienced purity, a peace and an understanding of our God that was so beautiful. Many people see our situation as sad. Many people have called how we have handled it courageous. Let me be the first to tell you our courage came right from God. Our situation may seem sad but truthfully, we will have an amazing ambassador in heaven. And we have all learned the value of faith. Carrie mentioned the other day that it was selfish to feel sad about our situation, after all it’s God’s plan, we should be happy to see it carried out. It's selfish to want our baby here with us. She’s beautifully correct. Although we will all mourn Eden , he should be a reminder to all of us that so many people joined together through the grace of God to help and pray. Through this, all of us have been touched by God. Finally, do not let time stand in the way of prayer. God’s timeline is drastically different than ours. Don’t wait to pray, you could lose those valuable 13 minutes that changes lives. God’s answer may take seconds or years, but I assure you he hears it and it will be answered.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV) The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

2 Corninthians 2:14

2 Corinthians 2:14 (New International Version)

¹⁴But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

I read this verse in one of my devotionals this week and it really slapped me in the face. Last week was a very rough week for me emotionally because I was tying up some loose ends as far as planning. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed, but I'm always grateful I did. I work with some amazing people and I know I was placed in my job to go through this journey with them. These people really do care. I've been told so many times that I am such a witness and that people can see the Holy Spirit glowing around me. How very humbling....some days I just feel like a little insignificant worm. I'm so thankful for the people that are brave enough to ask me questions and not be afraid of crushing me. I'm also very aware that this sort of situation scares the pants off of most people so they just don't say anything. I get that!! I used to be that way.

I started having contractions on Sunday night. They were approximately 30 minutes apart starting at about midnight and were still going strong on Monday afternoon. I decided I better call my doctor to make sure everything was ok. She hooked me up to a machine that measures contractions. Sure enough, I was having early labor contractions. I was also dilated to 1/2 cm. I'm sure that I've still got some waiting to do but it really made me think I better get into gear. I'm typically very A-type so I am really annoyed when I don't have all my ducks in a row when things pop up. On Tuesday, I decided to get after it. Honestly, I didn't have a clue HOW to start planning for something like this. I've been reading what other people have done in similar situations but have been putting it off because it's just one of those things that a person can't get excited about. I prayed that God would just lead me where I needed to go. A lady that I work with walked into my office and just started telling me about a local funeral home that is known for being family oriented, Christian people. As soon as she left my office, I decided to just get it done. I looked up Stewart Family Funeral Home and called. The lady that answered the phone sounded nice. I was relieved. I managed to convey my reason for calling but I couldn't even tell you what I said to her. She asked me politely if she could put me on hold so she could get the person I needed to talk to. It seemed like FOREVER that I was on hold. I couldn't catch my breath between the tears. A nice man named Robert answered and I shushed up very quickly. I don't really know what I said to him, but he very kindly told me how so very sorry he was but he also knew that God gave this special girl to me for a reason and he would work miracles through her tiny life. He said all the things that I believe and I just couldn't have been more pleased that I spoke to him. I know that God put him on the other end of the phone. He said exactly what I needed to hear. They are taking care of all the costs for us. What a blessing!!! I dreaded going to the funeral home to look at tiny infant caskets. He said not to worry about it. We are going to have our pastor, Luke Kimbley, and his wife, Alisha dedicate Eden Grace at the hospital. We aren't going to have a service for her. We feel like her soul will be in heaven and that's all that matters. We will be cremating her. Robert told me to enjoy this precious time we have with her now and we will worry about the details when we need to. So, no paperwork or thinking about it until it's time. Thank the LORD!!

I was also told about a Christian volunteer organization called "Now I lay me down to sleep". I contacted the local person and she shared her wonderful story with me. Her grandson was born very prematurely and had to stay in NICU for 4 months. As she visited him there, she saw several mother's and father's go through situations similar to ours. Her heart was led to this ministry, as she is a professional photographer by trade. She will be taking photos for no charge. She also offered to do maternity photos at no charge as well. What a precious keepsake, one that you can't really put a price on.

The next day another lady that I work with came to me and asked me if I had a special outfit for Eden. Nope, that was another thing I had prayed would just come to me. I had looked online but didn't really want to purchase something like that. I wasn't quite ready for that. I told her that she was answering my prayer. I know it was hard for her to ask me about this but it was perfect timing. Thank you, again, Lord!!! This lady is in a quilting group with another lady that started an organization that makes these special dresses for little bitty babies. She was going to see her the next day and would bring me some to choose from. I couldn't have come up with a more perfect outfit on my own. The picture below shows the dress, the little hat, receiving blanket and a little keepsake heart. The heart has a spot on the back that you write the name and birth date, etc. We will keep the heart for her collection of memories.

Another lady I work with made a special necklace for Eden with a Pink Rose as the main attraction. Little did I know that every flower has a meaning attached to it. The pink rose means: Grace, Beauty, Gentleness, you are lovely.

One of my dear friends that I used to work with wanted to do something special for Eden. She started asking me little questions a few months ago. Little did I know that she was using her sales tactics to seek information without me really knowing what she was up to. Shanna asked me what colors I would do Eden's nursery and what her name was going to be. I think Shanna was one of the first people to know her name, after our parents. A few weeks later I got a package in the mail that included a sweet and perfect little memory blanket the exact colors that I wanted Eden's nursery to be, with her name monogrammed on it. The squares on the blanket are for family and friends to write something special to Eden. We will also have her little feet and hand prints stamped on it. What a wonderful way to remember all of the love that we will feel on that special day!!


"He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering,'" (Mark 5:34 NIV).
Jesus called me out from the shadows and placed me center stage. No longer am I a woman in need of a healing touch, but now a believer who has received it and was called on to tell about it. I pray that I can do that more and more every single day!!