This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he had battled for four years. He died on December 14, 1997. He gave this to his mom before he died. His name was Ben.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

If you haven't read the book called CRAZY LOVE, you should.  This is a link to one of the videos that really got me thinking.  http://www.crazylovebook.com/videos_stop.html

Several weeks ago I heard a sermon that was about the old testament and the traditions that they used to follow.  One of the questions that the preacher asked was, "how would you feel if your son were going to be crucified?"  My first thought was, I know exactly how it feels.  Now, I didn't lose my son in the same cruel way but I do know how it feels.  How sad that I never really related or felt the pain until it happened to me.  God watched his son be beaten to death.  How horrible!!!!!  I've always gone to church since I can remember but the stories that I heard from the bible were simply that.....stories.  I hate to even admit this but they were almost like fairy tales.  I believed that they really happened but I never really fully whole-heartedly connected them to present day.  The closer I get to God, the more I realize how unworthy I am of his generous unmatchable gift.
GBC recently had a Fall Festival on October 30th.  We dressed up and had games and food and candy.  I think there were probably 200 folks that came in the door to participate in the festivities.  It was wonderful.  Bryan and I put together a photo booth with scarecrows, hay, pumpkins and fall leaves.  Bryan loves technology and gadgets so he recently purchased a professional lighting kit for taking photographs.  This is the second year that we have done the photo booth and it was a huge hit last year so we decided that we would continue with it every year.  So, we might as well make it as good as we can.  We took photos of families and printed them out while they were enjoying the other activities.  We would tell them to stop by our table on the way out to pick up their photo.  I can't tell you how many people looked at me and asked, "Is it free", or "It's really free"?  It was a look of shock and astonishment.  That evening when I got home I couldn't stop thinking about that question.  People were so excited about a free picture.  I guess I related it to me telling others about God and their salvation being FREE.  Hello!!!  I need to get as excited to whip out my bible and tell them what God is ready to give them for free.  I think about it a lot and I worry that I will offend people.  I'm ready to forget about offending people.  I need to tell them about GOD so they won't be mad at me when they are in hell wishing I would have told them.
Bryan and I have gone through radical changes over the past year.  We've gotten closer to God than we ever dreamed.  We've still got a long way to go.  And I hear people ask me how much worse could things get in their life? I truly believe that they can always be worse.  And the closer we get to God, the more Satan is going to tempt us and try to get us to believe his evil lies.  I'm more excited than I've ever been about going to church and learning more about our creator.
I'm positive that I wouldn't be where I am if Eden didn't come into our lives and change our hearts 180 degrees.  You see, not only did God's son save my life, my own son is changing my life every day.

Children's Park

Our amazing church donated money to have a stone engraved at the Children's Park in Tyler with Eden's name. (the picture is sideways because I'm not sure how to change it) The Children's Park is a park that was started by a mother who lost her little boy about 11 years ago. The sidewalks are lined with stones with children's names that have passed away. It's a beautiful park.
What a wonderful way to honor these angel babies. 

There was a ceremony this past saturday at the park that involved music and a roll call.  When they call the name of your child you are supposed to take a little angel ornament and put it on a tree.  At the end they let 230 butterflies go.  I'm sure it would have been a wonderful thing to attend but once we got there, we both realized we were NOT ready for that.  So, we went to Starbucks with my best friend and her sister and mom.  It ended up being a great day!!! 

Prayer answered

Bryan has suffered from epilepsy for about 7 years now. He would have grand mal seizures about 1/month. When we first moved to Tyler he started seeing his 5th or 6th neurologist. That Dr. had him start a new med that had less side effects. Unfortunately, the med didn't work well for Bryan. It actually increased his threshold and was causing him to have 3-4 seizures in a day about 3 times per month. It started getting very scary. That was in August and September of 2009. I had my appendix out in November of 2008 by a wonderful surgeon that I had become friends with over the past several months through my previous job selling surgical devices. He was one of the few surgeons that treated me like a human being. It was a God thing that he was the surgeon on call the night that I went to the ER. At my final post op appointment he asked us if we needed anything else. We asked him if he knew of a neurologist. Without hesitation he sent us directly to Dr. George Plotkin. He is world renowned and somehow ended up in Tyler, TX. My surgeon was able to pull a few strings and get us in to see Dr. Plotkin. It took about 6 months but we finally got to see him in September 09. Bryan and I were both in tears in his office. Not a single neurologist has spent so much time with Bryan trying to find out what was going on with his brain. He told us, "We will stop the seizures". It was simply amazing!! Bryan had his last seizure on October 23, 2009. He has now been seizure free for 1 year!!!! PRAISE GOD!!! We know that the whole thing was a God thing, no doubt. He is always watching out for us. Bryan will stay on the meds he is on for 5 years total. If he has no seizures during those 5 years, they will take him off his meds and consider his brain healed. The brain takes so long to heal but if you can keep from having seizures, it allows it to heal. Every seizure you have sets you back a little. What a blessing Dr. Plotkin and Dr. McGovern have been to us.

Random Thoughts

Lately, I can't seem to stop thinking about the last time I saw Eden. When Bryan and I finally decided that little Eden's body was starting to show the signs that his soul was gone, we made the call to the nurse that it was time to take him. He was wearing an infant onesie that completely sucked him up. The little sleeves were rolled up a few times (which reminded me a lot of Bryan when he wears long sleeved dress shirts) and he had a little white cotton hat on his wrinkled head. The hat kept falling off his head because it was way too big and like any mom would do, I kept putting it back on, as if he were cold. Once we made the call, I started to panic because I knew that once the nurse took him away, we'd never see our baby again until we see him in heaven. It was a very surreal moment when she knocked on the door. Her sweet face smiled at us as she asked us if we were ready. That is not a question that you can ever be prepared to answer. Bryan and I gave Eden one last kiss on his bright red lips. When the nurse cradled him, I couldn't see his face anymore. I'm so thankful that she didn't hang around much longer because I probably would have had a heart attack. It was also a good thing that I was still hooked to monitors and IV's because my first instinct was to run after her. How could they be taking my little baby to the morgue? He would be all alone. I was supposed to take care of him. I literally felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and carried away and I wasn't sure if I'd ever get it back. Bryan and I just hugged each other and cried for what seemed like forever. I slept about an hour that entire night.At about 4am I just started to bawl. My mom was 'sleeping' on the couch in the room so I was trying my hardest to cry quietly so I wouldn't wake her up. She sweetly rolled over and just smiled at me. There was really nothing to say. Bryan had gone home a couple of hours earlier to let our dog out and feed her since it had been 12 hours since we had been home. It was so hard to lay there and know that my son's body was in that hospital all by himself. I know that he was already having fun playing with golden blocks on Jesus' lap, but the mommy in me selfishly wanted the hold him and play with him. I read about something called empty arm syndrome and I learned very quickly that it is a real thing.
My point to writing all of this is to say this.....I thought that I may not get my heart back, but I am here to tell you that I not only have my heart back, it's much bigger. I feel an overwhelming love for every child I see. I work in a doctor's office that has the best pediatric ophthalmologist in the world as far as I am concerned. He sees children from hundreds of miles away. A lot of these children have terrible debilitating syndromes. I smile every day that I see them. God has a purpose for every single one of them and their parents. WE should all remember that every single human being is special.
This is from an interview with Rick Warren:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life..

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is 'my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?

Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

Every moment, THANK GOD.."

And the devil sure is good at being the devil.  When you are trying extra hard to be a good witness he will put up road blocks to make it even more difficult.  Just remember JOB.  :)  

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me the best husband in the world, thank you for giving Eden to us. Thank you for giving me the best and the worst 7 months of my life. I have seen my husband as a father now. My love for him has changed and grown. Thank you for covering us in a warm blanket of prayers. Thank you for:

DELIVERANCE. You have been delivered from darkness (Colossians 1:13).
KNOWLEDGE.  You can be filled with the knowledge of His will (Colossians
1:19).
LIGHT. You are a child of the light (1Thessalonians 5:5)
GROWTH.  You can discover new things about God's love (Ephesians 3:18).
AUTHORITY.  You are seated with Christ (Ephesians 2:6).
FULLNESS.  You can be filled with God's fullness (Ephesians 3:19
COMFORT.  You are comforted in hard times (2 Corinthians 1:4)

Sincerely, 
Eden's Mommy

Test Results

It has now been 8 weeks since Eden was born. We have been waiting patiently for the test results to come back from Mayo Clinic. We were told it would take about 6 weeks for the results to be back.

Bryan and I have learned so much over the past year. We've learned that NOTHING is in our control. We have learned to be a stronger couple. We have learned to put things into perspective. We have learned that things that we thought were so important to us, really are not that important after all. We have learned that family is more than just a word. Time is not infinite, and it must be treasured. We are given gifts, gifts that must be cherished, because as quickly as we are given those gifts, they can be taken away. To live for today because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Not to dwell on what you don’t have, but to cherish what you do. Never to part without telling the ones you love what they mean to you. We have also gained more faith than we ever thought possible. We are so blessed that through this we have become closer to Our Father and hopefully others have gained more trust and faith through our little angel.

Eden's blood was tested to see if there were any chromosomal abnormalities. There was a sequence on chromosome 5 that came back abnormal. In turn, Bryan and I had our blood drawn to see if we were carriers of this abnormality. Mayo Clinic only has 2 other reported cases of this abnormality. The 2 cases both went on to live but both had mental retardation, cleft palates, etc. Eden did not have a cleft palate and the autopsy confirmed that his brain was completely normal, meaning there was no mental retardation. We were told that this could be what they call balanced translocation. It would be called this if Bryan or I were carriers. The results came back for Bryan and me and both of our chromosomes were completely normal. Mine was 46 XX and Bryan was 46 XY. Yay! When people are carriers of balanced translocations, they typically have several miscarriages but can go on to have perfectly normal children. In our case, it was determined to be a "fluke". This was something completely separate from the polycystic kidney disease (Potter's syndrome). We received these results about 3 weeks ago.

We finally got the results of the PKD this past week. The results read as such:

'A mutation was NOT detected. These results decrease the likelihood, but do not rule out the diagnosis of Autosomal Recessive Polycystic Kidney Disease. Some individuals with ARPKD have mutations that are not identified by the methods described.' Basically, our doctor said that this means that in Eden's case, it was considered a "fluke".

We weren't really sure what results we were hoping for. On one hand, you want a scientific reason that you can attribute this all to. But on the other hand, we didn't want to find out that one of us had something wrong with us. I find myself trying to rationalize it all in my head almost daily. I always come to the same conclusion.....no matter what the medical/scientific results said, it doesn't change the obvious: God can do whatever HE wants to. That's it!!! There is NO rationalizing or making sense of it. That is the only answer.

We know that God was taking care of Eden the whole time. If he had only had the chromosomal abnormality, he could have lived, but he may have had a difficult life. Since there are only 2 other cases of this reported we really don't know what kind of difficulties he would have had. The Polycystic Kidneys were the reason that he could not survive outside of the womb. So, God took Eden to live a perfect life in heaven rather than making him suffer on earth. In that way, we feel blessed.

As far as our future goes, we are going to be doing a lot of praying and even more trusting that He will take care of us. We would love to be parents again some day, but we will just have to wait until He is ready.

His Grace IS Sufficient

 Grace extends the hand that lifts us out of the miry clay, throws the rope that pulls us from the deepest pit, and lights the flame that brings us out of the darkest cave.

I can't believe that it's been a little over 4 weeks since my sweet little boy was born. The last four weeks have been such a blur. My memory has been terrible!!!!

Bryan and I have been so overwhelmed with the amount of love we have felt over the past few weeks. We are so humbled!! We had no idea how many people out there sincerely care about us. Thank you to everyone who has sent text messages, facebook messages, emails, letters, cards, etc. It's so healing to hear from people we don't even know that tell us that our story has helped them. We know that GOD has walked in front of us during this time in our lives and he has given us the strength and the comfort that we needed. He is so good all the time!!!

We are starting to feel some sense of closure but there are so many things that you never think of or know to expect. We got Eden's social security card in the mail last week and are still awaiting a death certificate. We also received a letter from our insurance company trying to get us to add Eden to the policy. Oops. It's like a punch in the gut every time something else comes in the mail. But, again, His grace really is sufficient.

I got an email FW: last week about the little things in life. It was a story about several people who worked in the World Trade Center building. It was 9/11. One person was the designated donut getter that day so they were late to work, another's alarm didn't go off, another's car didn't start.....you get the point. So, really, when we think that our day is going bad or we are annoyed by something that gets in our way, we should really by thankful.....God plans everything the way it is supposed to be.

We've been back to the doctor twice since Eden's birth. Some preliminary results have come back from the Mayo Clinic but it still doesn't tell us anything until we have the final report. We did get a final autopsy report yesterday. The things we learned from that report were that Eden actually had only 1 horseshoe shaped kidney instead of two. There were definitely cysts all over the kidney. He had a hole in his heart but it wasn't as enlarged as it looked on the sonogram. It was a little enlarged and had a small amount of fluid around it. None of the other organs seemed to be abnormal or have cysts. Bryan and I both had our blood drawn two weeks ago so that they could compare our genetic mappings to Eden's. At this point, that is all we know. We are hoping that we will have some answers in two weeks.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:35, 38-39 NIV).

The Perfect Place by Felicia

My wonderful friend, Felicia wrote this poem for us and I wanted to share it because it is too good not to. Thank you, Felicia, for being such a good friend to me.

THE PERFECT PLACE

Lord, I know Your plan is perfect

and I know You want us near

It's so hard sometimes to understand the things that happen here.

We hold on so tight to things we know

and things that we hold dear

that we can't hear your voice inside

that speaks so loud and clear.

You've prepared for us a place with you

without the pain and fear, but for now

it's hard to understand the things that happen here.

There'll come a day in that perfect place

where we'll see Jesus, Friends and Eden's Face

safe in the arms of HIS love.

Carrie, your courage makes me very proud

and I will say it very loud

shout it out above the crowd.

You've stepped out of your comfort zone

into the place of the unknown, where Jesus is

And in so doing you have shown the love

of God as it simply is and finding out that

on this journey you are not alone.

And so my friend, as we patiently wait

for our arrival to that perfect place

where you'll see your sweet Eden's face so near,

It's only then we'll finally understand the things that happened here.

A boy named Eden

Wednesday July 21^st, 2010

(From Bryan ’s Perspective)

Matthew 5:4 (NIV) (4) Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted.

First I would like to thank everyone who has supported us throughout this process. Many of you have passed this blog on to others. Many of you have read and responded to it. Many have promised to keep us in your prayers. Please take our most heartfelt thanks. We have felt not only God's amazing love, but also the love and support of friends, family, and anonymous readers.

Taking the story back to Carrie's last Dr. visit from July 1st; Carrie was dilated ½ cm and starting to feel contractions. Ok, scary stuff, but it was tolerable, we knew this was coming. What we didn’t know was why Carrie’s blood pressure was going up and down drastically. The Dr. tried a few medications that either didn’t help or the side affects were worse than the condition. Labs were run to check for preeclampsia, etc. The 4th of July weekend was very uneventful for us. Carrie started having sharper contractions, that were closer together and she slept about 18 hrs a day. The rest of the week was much the same, but we figured this must all be part of pregnancy. The next week brought more progressive news. Monday July 12th we saw the Dr. and were informed that Carrie was dilated to 1cm. With the dilation and the contractions, the Dr. considered Carrie to be in pre labor. In non medical terms, that means go home and suffer until full on delivery begins. On Tuesday Carrie was dead set on traveling to Gladewater to see/help with the Vacation Bible School at our church. We made it there and back without any complication.

Let me interject that even the tiny detail of us attending VBS that night was part of God's plan. You would assume that seeing 50+ kids running around would hurt the feelings of people with a terminal pregnancy…NOPE, just the opposite. We were overjoyed that these kids were learning the love of the Lord. We were overjoyed that those parents had made the decision to send those kids to the program. We were overjoyed how church members and the community gathered together for such a great cause.

Ok, Back to the story: Thursday July 15th Carrie woke up feeling bad in every way. Her contractions were terrible and she had not slept normally. Being the trooper that Carrie is she got ready for work (all you ladies know what a chore that is). I think she made it ½ the day before calling the Dr. because her blood pressure had reached 140/110. The diagnosis was much the same, still dilated to 1cm, very high blood pressure and of course those lovely contractions. The Dr’s orders, go home and rest for the day to get the blood pressure down.

On Friday July 16th, 2010, the amazing miracle of birth arrived. Of course since we never do things the easy way in the Albee household the day was a bit strange. Carrie got up, got ready and headed off to work. She was having terrible contractions before she even left the house. Something was up. But being Carrie she was going to work and fight her way through it. I got the call around 10:00 AM. Carrie was having contractions bad enough to fall to the floor in a coworker’s office. It was time (again) to get her to the Dr. As always, the office got us back quickly and before long we were measuring contractions every 4 minutes. We saw the Dr. and her prognosis was A) you are having Big contractions B) you are dilated to 4 cm, and C) “that’s a head I feel.” It was time for this baby to come.

For those of you who know Carrie and me, you know we are planners. Neurotic to a point, but planners none the less. We “planned” to pack the hospital bag, make calls, get to the grocery, etc., finished over the weekend. Well, none of that got done. Heck we were having a baby Right Now! We rushed home, threw random things in a bag and headed out the door. Arriving at ETMC was simple and easy. Carrie's room in the ETMC family birthplace was ready for her before we arrived. Thanks to the lovely folks at our Dr’s office, the hospital staff knew all about us before we got there. A quick few phone calls were made to family and the process began.

At 2:00 PM the Dr decided to start a drug to aid in dilation (pitocin) as well as some pain meds to help with contractions. By 4:00 PM the contractions were very bad. We were minutes away from birth and there was no time for an epidural. Carrie was prepped and by 4:20 PM it was time. Being written from a male perspective I’ll be the first to say my wife is super human. No epidural and pain meds that had long since worn off were producing earth shattering contractions. The nurses kept telling her not to push. Being as sweet and accommodating as Carrie is, she apologized. We all got a good laugh out of that. Again, as a male, I was not too sure how I would handle witnessing birth. But watching the miracle take place, first a head, then little shoulders, then little legs and feet… It changed my life forever. As Cliché as it is to say I still must make the statement: How could anyone not believe in God once they have seen a baby born?

Our sweet baby Eden was born at 4:47 PM July 16th 2010. 1lb 14oz, and 12” long. Carrie handled birth amazingly well, no complications at all. Of course, we were praying for miracles up to the last second. “Let the Drs. be wrong, Let this baby be perfect, Let this baby live.” But all those wishes are by our own design. We wish, want and try to control things every day. We forget that we control nothing, God’s plan is perfect. Just to get his point across, God decided to give us one last lesson in giving up control. We had planned colors, outfits and the name, Eden Grace from the start. God was giving us a baby girl. Potter's Syndrome or not, we love her and are going to plan for her. WELL, about 5 min after birth the doctor said to the nurse, “Have we confirmed the sex of the baby?” The nurse lifted the little leg and looked at the doctor with wide eyes. The doctor looked at us and smiled. The first thing we thought was, "Oh my goodness!!!" It was a BOY! So we did not have a perfect baby girl, we had a perfect baby boy. Eden William Albee. Our little guy lived 13 minutes. The best 13 minutes of mine and Carrie's life.

We brought immediate family in to see and hold Eden. We invited our pastor and his wife to be with us and to give a short celebration and dedication. We had pictures taken, and lots of little memory tokens were arranged. We were able to spend as much time as we wanted with him. After most of our family had gone home Carrie and I spent some private time with each other, Eden and the Lord. We prayed for Eden , we prayed for ourselves and we prayed for all the folks who have been supporting and praying for us. It was amazingly uplifting and beautiful. Of course we cried and felt down, but there was an overwhelming sense that God's plan is so perfect that even a situation this sad had a higher purpose. We knew immediately that Eden was with the Lord, and his little body was just a short reminder to us as the parents that he was ours, but ultimately belongs to God.

To wrap up my novel of a post I’d just like to say a word about time. In the case of Carrie and I, the Lord started us with a 9 month timeline. We thought it would feel like an eternity to carry and deliver a baby that was determined terminal from the start. But it didn’t. A flock of people and prayers surrounded us immediately and the numbers increased as time went on. To us God’s hands held us as he used people and prayer to surround us. Next we were given time to make choices. Trusting in God we were able to find a practice and a Dr. that better suited Carrie's comfort and our situation. If we had not trusted in Prayer we would never have had the clarity to choose such an amazing Dr. Finally, we were able to spend 13 minutes with our son before he passed. Before this situation I would have thought nothing significant could be accomplished in 13 short minutes. I was wrong. In 13 minutes Carrie's life, my life and the lives of our family changed so radically it’s nothing less than supernatural. We experienced purity, a peace and an understanding of our God that was so beautiful. Many people see our situation as sad. Many people have called how we have handled it courageous. Let me be the first to tell you our courage came right from God. Our situation may seem sad but truthfully, we will have an amazing ambassador in heaven. And we have all learned the value of faith. Carrie mentioned the other day that it was selfish to feel sad about our situation, after all it’s God’s plan, we should be happy to see it carried out. It's selfish to want our baby here with us. She’s beautifully correct. Although we will all mourn Eden , he should be a reminder to all of us that so many people joined together through the grace of God to help and pray. Through this, all of us have been touched by God. Finally, do not let time stand in the way of prayer. God’s timeline is drastically different than ours. Don’t wait to pray, you could lose those valuable 13 minutes that changes lives. God’s answer may take seconds or years, but I assure you he hears it and it will be answered.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV) The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

2 Corninthians 2:14

2 Corinthians 2:14 (New International Version)

¹⁴But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.

I read this verse in one of my devotionals this week and it really slapped me in the face. Last week was a very rough week for me emotionally because I was tying up some loose ends as far as planning. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed, but I'm always grateful I did. I work with some amazing people and I know I was placed in my job to go through this journey with them. These people really do care. I've been told so many times that I am such a witness and that people can see the Holy Spirit glowing around me. How very humbling....some days I just feel like a little insignificant worm. I'm so thankful for the people that are brave enough to ask me questions and not be afraid of crushing me. I'm also very aware that this sort of situation scares the pants off of most people so they just don't say anything. I get that!! I used to be that way.

I started having contractions on Sunday night. They were approximately 30 minutes apart starting at about midnight and were still going strong on Monday afternoon. I decided I better call my doctor to make sure everything was ok. She hooked me up to a machine that measures contractions. Sure enough, I was having early labor contractions. I was also dilated to 1/2 cm. I'm sure that I've still got some waiting to do but it really made me think I better get into gear. I'm typically very A-type so I am really annoyed when I don't have all my ducks in a row when things pop up. On Tuesday, I decided to get after it. Honestly, I didn't have a clue HOW to start planning for something like this. I've been reading what other people have done in similar situations but have been putting it off because it's just one of those things that a person can't get excited about. I prayed that God would just lead me where I needed to go. A lady that I work with walked into my office and just started telling me about a local funeral home that is known for being family oriented, Christian people. As soon as she left my office, I decided to just get it done. I looked up Stewart Family Funeral Home and called. The lady that answered the phone sounded nice. I was relieved. I managed to convey my reason for calling but I couldn't even tell you what I said to her. She asked me politely if she could put me on hold so she could get the person I needed to talk to. It seemed like FOREVER that I was on hold. I couldn't catch my breath between the tears. A nice man named Robert answered and I shushed up very quickly. I don't really know what I said to him, but he very kindly told me how so very sorry he was but he also knew that God gave this special girl to me for a reason and he would work miracles through her tiny life. He said all the things that I believe and I just couldn't have been more pleased that I spoke to him. I know that God put him on the other end of the phone. He said exactly what I needed to hear. They are taking care of all the costs for us. What a blessing!!! I dreaded going to the funeral home to look at tiny infant caskets. He said not to worry about it. We are going to have our pastor, Luke Kimbley, and his wife, Alisha dedicate Eden Grace at the hospital. We aren't going to have a service for her. We feel like her soul will be in heaven and that's all that matters. We will be cremating her. Robert told me to enjoy this precious time we have with her now and we will worry about the details when we need to. So, no paperwork or thinking about it until it's time. Thank the LORD!!

I was also told about a Christian volunteer organization called "Now I lay me down to sleep". I contacted the local person and she shared her wonderful story with me. Her grandson was born very prematurely and had to stay in NICU for 4 months. As she visited him there, she saw several mother's and father's go through situations similar to ours. Her heart was led to this ministry, as she is a professional photographer by trade. She will be taking photos for no charge. She also offered to do maternity photos at no charge as well. What a precious keepsake, one that you can't really put a price on.

The next day another lady that I work with came to me and asked me if I had a special outfit for Eden. Nope, that was another thing I had prayed would just come to me. I had looked online but didn't really want to purchase something like that. I wasn't quite ready for that. I told her that she was answering my prayer. I know it was hard for her to ask me about this but it was perfect timing. Thank you, again, Lord!!! This lady is in a quilting group with another lady that started an organization that makes these special dresses for little bitty babies. She was going to see her the next day and would bring me some to choose from. I couldn't have come up with a more perfect outfit on my own. The picture below shows the dress, the little hat, receiving blanket and a little keepsake heart. The heart has a spot on the back that you write the name and birth date, etc. We will keep the heart for her collection of memories.

Another lady I work with made a special necklace for Eden with a Pink Rose as the main attraction. Little did I know that every flower has a meaning attached to it. The pink rose means: Grace, Beauty, Gentleness, you are lovely.

One of my dear friends that I used to work with wanted to do something special for Eden. She started asking me little questions a few months ago. Little did I know that she was using her sales tactics to seek information without me really knowing what she was up to. Shanna asked me what colors I would do Eden's nursery and what her name was going to be. I think Shanna was one of the first people to know her name, after our parents. A few weeks later I got a package in the mail that included a sweet and perfect little memory blanket the exact colors that I wanted Eden's nursery to be, with her name monogrammed on it. The squares on the blanket are for family and friends to write something special to Eden. We will also have her little feet and hand prints stamped on it. What a wonderful way to remember all of the love that we will feel on that special day!!


"He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering,'" (Mark 5:34 NIV).
Jesus called me out from the shadows and placed me center stage. No longer am I a woman in need of a healing touch, but now a believer who has received it and was called on to tell about it. I pray that I can do that more and more every single day!!

Sense of Urgency

I've been feeling an extreme sense of urgency lately. I've been blessed to not have to deal with a whole lot of death in my life. It's always seemed like such a sad thing because one minute someone is here and living and the next minute they are just gone. I've always felt like I didn't really understand it completely. In the past week, I've lost a couple of people that were significant in my life and my childhood dog died as well. Wow, my gut seems like it can't get punched in any more.
So, this led to a lot of thinking on my part. Instead of feeling sad about people dying, I feel sad that I don't know FOR SURE that they are in Heaven. I wouldn't call it a feeling of guilt, but rather a feeling of "why am I not out there telling people about Jesus EVERY single opportunity I have?" Who cares if they get mad at me now or are offended? How mad will they be if they are in HELL wishing someone would have told them?

I think when you start to really see the reality of death and what you will have in Heaven, death is an exciting thing!! People tell me and Bryan that they don't really know how we are getting through such a situation without being sad all the time. Don't get me wrong, there are moments that I am driving in my car and I just burst into sobbing tears. I'm human......But, when I realized what is really happening here, it brings me great joy. Bryan recently said this and I just love it!!!
"if you get upset, just think about Eden never having to feel pain, never having to go through the stresses of physical life. She never has to watch wars, oil spills, kids being mean on a playground. She has eternal backstage passes to all the best concerts. Court side seats to the basketball games. Literally Skybox seats to every event we could ever imagine. As a bonus, we have someone to greet us at the gates. Just imagine getting to meet Eden and Jesus the same day! These are the things to focus on."
How could that not make you smile??? It is beyond our understanding but it is God's plan, and it is divine.

I'd like to share a verse that has helped me this week......
Philippians 4:10-19
¹⁰I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Paul wrote these words from a prison cell—a place of great physical discomfort. From a human perspective, we would all agree that God should have provided for Paul by relieving his suffering. But instead, the Lord taught him contentment in this difficult situation. Although his physical discomfort remained, a greater need for a changed attitude was met.

A change of heart toward ongoing suffering is a huge challenge. On our own, it's impossible, but the Lord promises to strengthen us through Christ. By living in dependence and submission to Him, we gain His power to overcome our negative, sinful attitudes and learn contentment in all kinds of situations.

Our problem is not that the Lord won't provide for us, but that we so often fail to understand what our deepest needs are. God sees from an unlimited perspective and works for our eternal good, providing for us according to His good purposes from the limitless supply of "His riches in glory."

So, my friends, this is what I've been working on. I have asked God for strength in a time of difficulty and he has given it to me beyond any degree I could have imagined.

God's Garden

The Master Gardener from above
planted a seed in the garden of love.
And from it grew a rosebud small it never
had time to open at all.

For God in His perfect and wise way
chose this rose for his heavenly bouquet.
And great was the joy of this tiny rose, to be chosen by the
Father to leave earth's garden below.
To live in a garden on high where roses bloom always
and never die.

So while I can't see your precious rose bloom.
You'll know the great gardener from the upper room,
is watching and tending his wee rose with care,
tenderly touching each petal so fair.

So you think of your darling with the angels above,
secure and content surrounded by love.
And remember God blessed and enriched your lives, too.
For in dying your darling brought heaven closer to you.



Thank you, Elaine, for giving me this beautiful poem.

Stop worrying!!!

Anxiety seems to be something that everyone deals with. As believers, however, we are commanded not to worry. Instead, we're to rely on a conditional promise from our heavenly Father: If we will seek His kingdom, all our needs will be provided. This is the opposite of the world's philosophy, which tells us to pull up our big girl panties and do what we can to meet our own needs.

Thank goodness we can rely on our God for these things:

• He keeps His word. Every promise is backed by His divine nature. According to Titus 1:2, God cannot lie. He never makes a promise that He won't keep.

• He is all-knowing. Our heavenly Father is mindful of all our needs—the ones we bring to Him in prayer as well as those of which we are unaware.

• He is all-powerful. The sovereign Ruler of the universe backs His promises with almighty power. "Nothing will be impossible with God" (Luke 1:37).

• He cares. God's provision for birds and flowers is proof of His even greater care for those who are made in His image. Not only is He able to meet our needs, but He also wants to provide for us.

I've struggled with this over the past week. I seem to go back and forth between being very sad to being very happy. I realize that as soon as I get sad, I am not focusing on God. It's easy to get off track because we are human, and because the devil is very good at being evil.

I went to the doctor today to have my blood drawn to test for Gestational Diabetes. I will find out those results later this week. It was also time for my 28 week sonogram. It was a very thorough sonogram. This is what I learned today:

• Eden is measuring the size of a 24 week baby; 1lb 12 oz.
• Eden has only grown 1% in 4 weeks due to the lack of space she has to grow
• Eden's heart is now very enlarged with fluid around it. (This means that she is going into congestive heart failure)
• My blood pressure has gone up quite a bit. Usually it is around 100-115/60-70. Today it was 140/90.

So, what does this mean??? My doctor feels that Eden will probably pass away before she has a chance to be born due to the CHF. We don't really know when this will happen. I guess it makes sense that if your kidneys don't filter out urine, the fluid has to get backed up somewhere. It is not a surprise that Eden has only grown a very small amount. When you don't have room to grow, you just don't. I am supposed to recheck my BP in the morning to see if it has improved. My doctor is concerned about this leading to preeclampsia. I have been feeling lots of kicks and punches from my little cheerleader so I will be monitoring that over the next few weeks. In fact, today during the ultrasound, she punched the wand while it was on my belly. Dr. Natour felt it move her hand. I guess she didn't like being poked!! If I stop feeling those kicks, I am to call my doctor.

We learn the most from the deepest pain. We learn to know God and not just about God. When our selves shatter, beauty grows.

The Christian life can be likened to a race with a predetermined course and a finish line in eternity. Each believer has a personalized route specially designed by the Lord. Our goal is to stay on track and run with endurance, but the path can be discerned and negotiated only by focusing on Jesus. Because He ran the race perfectly and finished His course, He can show us the way.

Memorial day weekend I started to feel pains that were coming and going about every hour or so. It felt like my stomach was tightening up and it was as hard as a rock. I wasn't really sure what was going on but it didn't feel very pleasant. I decided that it wasn't bad enough to call the doctor or go to the hospital. I felt a little dizzy and disoriented on Sunday. I assumed that it could be attributed to pregnancy "normals". Just to be safe, I called the doctor on Tuesday and she thought that I should come in to make sure that everything was ok. Dr. Natour checked to make sure I wasn't in early labor. It didn't appear to be that. She did a quick sonogram and discovered that Eden had flipped around from breech to head down. Praise the LORD!!!! What an answer to prayer. No wonder I was in so much pain. Dr. N said that most people don't feel as much at this point in pregnancy because they have the benefit of the cushion from the fluid. At my last appointment, it didn't appear that this was very likely for her to do on her own. Good girl!!! I'm so proud of her!! :) It's amazing how I've learned to really value the small things!!! But no doubt, I see this as a miracle. This reduces the chances that I might have to have a c-section. Woohooo!! The dizziness I was experiencing turned out to be dehydration. I've been instructed to drink a gallon of water a day. I feel like all I do now is drink water and visit the ladies room. :) But, I am feeling better!!!

We've chosen a name!!!

About a month ago, a name popped into my head. I didn't really know where it came from or why. Bryan and I had picked a name about 3 months ago but decided that we would like to pick something a little more meaningful than our first choice. We felt like this little girl needed a name that really represented who she is and what she is doing in our lives.

I was talking with a friend that has become very close to me recently and she mentioned something that I had never thought about until she mentioned it. Our little girl has been diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome. In the bible, God has been compared to a Potter and we are the Clay.

Isaiah 64:8 (New International Version)

⁸ Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.

We are the clay, you are the potter;

we are all the work of your hand.

Wow, How amazing!!! We must not only submit to the ways of the Lord, but also to His prescribed means. The Lord says He wants us to be as clay in His hands. Think how a potter will take the clay in his hands, work it, roll it, and shape it according to any design he wants. So, I am trusting that the ironic name of her syndrome indeed is related to HIS works. He, as the Potter, is molding us into exactly what he wants and using us as the clay to spread HIS word.

The name that popped into my head was Eden Grace. I decided to look up the meaning of each name immediately.

Eden means the following:

1. A delightful place; a paradise.
2. A state of innocence, bliss, or ultimate happiness

Grace means:

1. Blessing

2. Good will

3. Favor, Thanks

Another interesting thing from my past is the church that I was raised in from the time I can remember. I was saved and baptized at this small church in Longview. The preacher of the church lived next door to us and our families were very close for many years. The pastor had a passion for this church and the people of our community that I didn't understand at the time. The name of the church started out as Eden Drive Baptist Church. They kept that name for a few years and then decided after much thought to rename the church to Grace Church.

It's interesting to me that my Potter has brought me back to a place that is much like the beginning of my life. The beginning of the world as we know it was also in Genesis and the Garden of Eden. I am now doing what my family was committed to doing in a similar community. My Potter has put me and my baby Eden at a small church in a small community. I have been blessed with feeling as though I am in a time of pleasure. Our number one focus should be HIM. That will give us pleasure.

I had asked my mom what she thought of the name Eden Grace and how it related to what we are living now. She said, "So I guess I see all of this as more of a current thing....Baby Girl will always be in a state of innocence. Going from her safe momma cave straight to paradise, and if she's really lucky, into a delightful "Jackie hug." : ) Never experiencing this fallen place. It's her own story." (Jackie Burnett was an amazing lady that I grew up with at Eden Drive, Grace church and then at Fellowship Bible Church. I don't remember a time that I didn't know her. She was someone that you always felt like you were safe and happy with. She didn't let you out of her presence without giving her a BIG hug. I was very lucky to know her and George. Jackie passed away last year and has been greatly missed by so many people. But, she will be there to give Eden Grace a big hug and I have much comfort knowing that.)

Doctor's visit

We went to see Dr. Natour on Wednesday, May 19th. I am approximately 24 weeks now. Of course, we prayed for a miracle but we didn't see one. Dr. Natour has really been a true Godsend. She answers all of our questions with patience and sincerity. If she doesn't know the answer, she finds out for us. She did a sonogram and things had changed a little. Baby girls kidneys have grown to cover the span of her ribcage, so about the same size of her entire tummy. We could see the pockets of fluid in the cysts covering the kidneys. There is still little to no fluid surrounding her tiny body. (In the picture above, the ribcage can be seen in this direction (<) and the right kidney can be seen.) Poor little girl has no idea that everything isn't normal. She is kicking and punching around in there like crazy. So at least she seems happy. She is breech right now and Dr. Natour doesn't expect that she will turn around on her own. Therefore, it appears that I will most likely have a C-section when the time comes. We asked if we could donate her organs and will be finding out the answer to that soon. Dr. Natour wasn't sure if the kidneys might be toxic to the other organs, which would make them useless to another baby. I thought I would be a little more upset than I was but it was actually very exciting to see her on the monitor. That's our little baby and these are some of the few pictures we will have of her for our lifetime.
Bryan put it best, "When I am able to think really clearly,
I realize Eden's little body/life is not ours. None of our lives are ours.
God needs her now. For Him to take a life this soon means he really
needs her for greater things. Plus we will get to see her again when
we are lucky enough to be brought into Gods kingdom. We should feel
honored that OUR baby is being chosen to be by His side.
She's THAT special!!"

This verse has really helped me lately.

Isaiah 41:9-13 (New International Version)

⁹ I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant';
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

¹¹ "All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.

¹² Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.

¹³ For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

In verse 10 alone, the Lord promises strength, help, and protection. He gives two commands: "do not fear" and "do not anxiously look about you." Among Satan's subtle and successful traps is the art of distraction. The Evil One knows that fear can choke faith. He works hard to make unsettling circumstances a person's sole focus. Once a believer's attention is diverted from God, natural human tendencies take over. In the absence of prayer and worship, anxiety and doubt grow unobstructed.

Staying focused on God can be hard. The flesh prefers to seek security by thinking through all possible angles: our tendency is to weigh what we think could happen against what "experts" say will happen, and then to evaluate possible ways of preventing our worst fears from coming true. Instead of becoming more confident, we begin to realize how powerless we are.Thankfully, we serve an almighty God who says, "Surely I will help you" (v. 10). You can count on Him.

Your Hands - JJ Heller

How did we get here???

If your life was like a painting, the strokes that are being 

added to the canvas today may not make much sense when 

viewed alone.  However, God doesn't waste any strokes...

for He sees the final picture... You may think the color being 

used today is too gray...(but) the time will come when you 

will see that...the meaning of the painting would be weakened 

if the gray strokes were not included in the exact places they 

appear.

I wanted to start this blog so that family and friends could follow Bryan and me through our journey of faith through the biggest trial we have faced in our short lives. I've never been one to share much about myself or things I am going through. I've always been a little shy and frankly didn't think anyone really cared about what I had to say. God has been nudging me to start this blog for the past couple of weeks. As I was reading my Bible last night, it became very clear that He was telling me not to wait any longer.
So, here is the rundown. Bryan and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over a year now. I first got pregnant in March '09 and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks in May '09. I got pregnant again in Sept. '09 and again had a miscarriage in Oct. '09. Each time it was difficult but I knew that God had a plan and he was saving me from something that could have been much worse. I definitely trust his perfect plan. We stopped 'trying' to get pregnant and guess what; I got pregnant in December '09. This was it!!! This had to be the one!!!
We didn't want to tell anyone this time until we got further along. Our doctor, who was not the most comforting person, told us to wait until about week 14-15 before we shared our news. Our parents were the only other people that knew so that they could be praying for us. (On a side note, I never really felt a connection with my doctor but thought I would stick it out with him since he had been through the past two miscarriages with us. I had to have a d&C with the first miscarriage. My doctor didn't remember it or even look at my chart to see my history the second time around. There were several episodes like this.) Our pastor and his wife were the next to find out and then it became difficult to keep it all a secret. We started telling everyone because it seemed that everything was going well this time. So, at about 17 weeks, I decided to switch to a female OBGYN. I asked several people who they recommended and I kept getting the same answer, Four Seasons Women's Healthcare in Tyler,TX. I made an appointment, feeling comfortable with a small practice that consisted of 4 Christian women. Do you think God had anything to to with that one???? I was very excited to see my new doctor and knew that she had to be better than my last doctor. She is wonderful!!!
The Saturday before my first appointment with the new doctor we had decided to go to a local place called Sonocare that would do sonograms and let your family watch. So, Bryan, his mom, my mom, and I went on Sat., April 10. We were going to find out the sex of the baby and get pictures and a short video. The sonographer started to look around and mentioned that she was having a hard time seeing much of anything because there was barely any fluid. It wasn't like this the last time we had a sonogram.....After searching around she was able to tell us that it was a little girl. Yay!!! So, since she is a sonographer only, she isn't supposed to interpret what she sees. She started to tell us more than she probably should have. We appreciated it. She said that the kidneys had cysts all over them. I asked her what that meant. She casually stated that it could be Poly-cystic Kidney Disease. I didn't really feel like I should be too worried. I was very calm, which is not like me. I had to lay there and tell God that he knew what he was doing with this baby girl. The sonographer asked us when we had our next appointment with the doctor. I told her it was scheduled for the following Monday. She seemed very relieved that it was so soon. She said she would call our doctor and discuss what she saw. Still, I didn't feel like I should be worried. I went home and googled tons of stuff and didn't find much about PKD so I figured, "eh, I'm not going to worry about it".
My first appointment my new OBGYN was on April 12, 2009. She was very thorough and told us that she had talked to the sonographer and that she had already scheduled me for a Level 2 ultrasound in Dallas. Great!!! That was my first clue that she was suspicious of something. She did the ultrasound herself next. She was very detailed about what she was looking for and what she was measuring and what she saw. Thank you, Lord!! We finally had someone who would tell us what was going on. We have felt in the dark about everything up until this point. She said that she did see cysts on the kidneys. What this means is that the kidneys are not functioning the way they are supposed to in order to pump urine out. At about 15 weeks, the mother's kidneys are no longer doing all the work to create fluid and filter waste. The babies kidneys are supposed to take over to start producing the amniotic fluid (which is made mostly of it's own urine). The amniotic fluid keeps space in the womb. It also provides oxygen to the baby. As the baby takes in this fluid it creates a positive pressure and allows for the lungs to form properly. So, without at least one properly functioning kidney there is no urine produced. Without the urine, there is no amniotic fluid. Without the amniotic fluid the baby's lungs can't form the way they need to. The kidneys could be fixed, after birth, with dialysis and eventually transplants. But, the lungs cannot. Our doctor wanted us to go to Dallas to see a perinatologist to confirm what she thought she was seeing. Luckily, we were able to get an appointment that Friday, April 16. Bryan and I began praying immediately. We selfishly prayed for a miracle. I told God every day that I knew that he was the only one that could make this baby girl perfect and healthy. But only if that was His plan.
Friday morning came slowly. We got up very early and prayed before we left home, on the way there, before we went in and after we saw the sonographer. The sonographer was very quiet and didn't really have any expressions on her face the entire time she looked at our sweet daughter. She was done in a few minutes and told us that the doctor would be in shortly. We only waited a very short time before the doctor came in.....alone. He had a very serious look on his face and said that he would do another sonogram and he'd probably make a few funny faces as he looked around. He said he wouldn't start talking until he was sure what he saw. He looked around for about a minute and put the wand down. The blurred image of our daughter was suspended on the screen in front of us as he started to speak. (Without any fluid, it's very difficult to see the baby). "Your daughter has a condition that is incompatible with life. Her kidneys have cysts on them that make it very difficult for her to produce enough urine to pump out to produce enough amniotic fluid. Her lungs will never develop properly. She will more than likely make it to term and die within a few hours after birth. He discussed our options. Carry our daughter to term, knowing she would not live. Or, have a procedure that will terminate the pregnancy. (At this point, he grabbed my leg) It's not like the abortion's you see on tv. This baby was a wanted baby. You wouldn't have to feel bad about it." I shook my head as he was saying the last few sentence's. I told him that terminating wasn't an option for me. He told me to think about it. Well, there is nothing to think about..... Bryan said he thought the Dr. answered all of our questions with compassion and wanted us to understand our options.
I asked the Dr. what to call this condition. He explained it was, "Potter's syndrome. The baby will not have very much space to grow, in addition to the kidneys and lung issues, she will have arms and legs that are bound up closely to her and her nose and ears will be smashed to her face."